My lost story

Well here I am. Lost in my head once again. It dawned on me lately that I don't tell 'my story' anymore. It's in my head, on the tip of my tongue but it never makes it out. It's trapped inside of me. I don't mind if people know but when once I was as open as a book I now just can't seem to share myself with people. And of course as I am typing this I start thinking and the pieces fall together. I've lost connections. I'm not as close to people anymore. I've reached out and it just hasn't been reciprocated, which is fine but friendship is a two way street and I've been on a lot of one ways in the past. I just don't care for the fakeness anymore. It's too complicated. It's too childish. We are only getting older and I don't need the drama in my life. I want simplicity. I want truth. I want real. I'm not going to fight for friendships if they don't feel my friendship is worth fighting for. So why open up to people and share my story when they aren't going to be lasting relationships. I know that in doing this I may be cutting myself short of long last great friendships but I think if someone truly wants to be in your life then they will be. Right now I'm just more focused on myself and my family. I'm learning to rewrite 'my story'. It doesn't have to be a sad ending, it can be a happy story filled with love, laughter and family.

Where have you been?

Man its been a long time. I disappeared for a while but I'm back now. Life has taken its toll and I've gotten mad and angry and lost but I'm slowly starting to find my smile again. I started to feel exposed and my grief from the infertility was overwhelming so I had to stop writing. Things haven't changed. We are still trying for another child with no such luck but I've learned to accept it and while I do still have hope that it will one day happen it is no longer my primary focus. I still have my days but they are far and few in between.
I'm hoping that by writing again I can continue to get back to me. I miss blogging. I miss writing. I've recently started drawing again and trying my hand at watercolor. Its a good thing to keep me busy. 

I haven't seen you in so long. I wish for you to come visit me in my dreams tonight.

I've been extremely busy since I started working. It took awhile to get things into a routine around here but things are starting to fall into place. The kid just finished up with his first season of baseball - we are sad to see it end but very excited for the future baseball seasons to come. I started a new shift at work so now I will be off in the late afternoons/early evenings so that means more family time which we def need. We've contemplated getting rid of cable and the Internet ::GULP::!!! I'm not sure how well I would handle it but with that said maybe that's a good reason to get rid of it, at least for a little bit. I love how socially connected we all are nowadays but I also want to get back to the basics. We are trying to do things outside the house more. We've been going fishing some and then spending time outside each night. Its been really nice. We have plans for the summer to keep us out of the house more! Fun!!

I know I haven't been writing much AT ALL. I hope to get back into it, I miss it. I've just been so busy with work and baseball that by the time I get home I'm ready for dinner and bed.

No respect.

I wish you could see what you are doing to them. What you are doing to all of us. Can you not see it? Or maybe you do and you choose to ignore it. Maybe you just dont care, I wish I knew what you were thinking.
It's killing them, you know.
I will never forgive you for this.

Never.

At least you

I thought at least you would understand. I thought if no one then at least you had my back. Now even that isn't true. I am alone in this. It is my battle. My fight. My suffering.

I was nervous but decided that I would...

....just go for it. We needed money. I needed a job. I put my big girl britches on and walked in to turn my application in and BAM I got the job. If you are a regular reader than you know that I suffer from really bad anxiety and nervousness. So it was a complete shock to me at how easy going and talkative I was being. I just didn't care. If I got the job then I got it and if I didn't - well who cares I'd never see these people again. I am so glad I got the job. I love the people I work with. I love working. Who ever thought I'd say that!? Ha!  Are there days that are stressful? Of course there are but my days are also filled with chatter and laughter and a bunch of kiddos that love to offer up hugs and cuddles. I'm proud of myself that I did what needed to be done to help my family. The only thing that I need to work on now is getting a routine down for keeping up with the house between work and baseball.

*This post was written as part of Bloggy Moms: The Blog Dare. Todays writing prompt is - I was nervous but decided that I would....  If you'd like to participate feel free to link up with your own post at the link posted above.*