Sunday, April 25, 2010

Did she really just say that??

I'm in a really low place right now. I'm angry at how insensitive people can be. Its downright hurtful and I'm sick of it. What I'm going through is a big deal to me and its not something that I tell many people about so when I choose to open up to a friend I would hope for them to be caring, considerate, and understanding. The last thing I would expect would be jokes at my cost.
Its NOT okay.
For the past year we have been trying to conceive our second child. We are experiencing secondary infertility. I hate that word: Secondary. It makes it seem like its no big deal, like it doesnt hurt because we already have a child. It hurts all the same. I feel like a failure, I feel like my body is failing me. I feel guilty for feeling sad, angry and frustration. I cry all the time. I hurt so much inside and it angers me that a friend who I trust would make light of the situation with jokes.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Eating me Alive

I see pictures of you in my dreams
I pray they are of the future
I can't wait to meet you
I think of you all the time
You have the most gorgeous bright eyes
Your fair skin is silky smooth
You will one day be great
You will conquer our world.

The pain I feel inside
  its eating me alive
No one understands it
  the way you control my life.

Thursday, April 1, 2010


I'm having a hard time deciding how honest I should be with this blog regarding my TTC journey and feelings. I would like to go back and post some entries I have from awhile back but they are raw feelings that I havent shared with many people. Some I've never shared. I just dont want anyone to get feelings hurt by what I write.

This was written last year:

I'm frustrated and latelly getting very discouraged. I feel somewhat guilty for letting it bother me or for feeling down. I have a child, I was blessed with a beautiful son so I shoudnt feel so cheated. I need to just be grateful for the one son I've been given. Nobody has ever said anything so I dont know why I feel this way. I want another baby so bad. I imagine its already created and just waiting on me to come get him. I talk to him and pick out baby things imagining using them for this baby-to-be that I have yet to conceieve. I dream of him at night and for a brief moment when I first wake up I forget that I'm really not even pregnant. But for that moment I can feel him. I feel as though I've had and lost a child- thats how this connection is. Why can I feel something that hasnt happened! It makes me feel ashamed for having these feelings when I have friends who have had losses. I just dont know how else to put it in words. I feel as though I'm grieving for something
I never had  in the first place.
I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of waking up and not being able to go back to sleep because I'm crying. I cry because while I wish and hope to dream of being pregnant and feeling that connection again, every time it happens it feels like a nightmare afterwards!