Saturday, February 18, 2012

Who gets to be me?

Everyone gets to be me except me. When am I going to be able to choose my own thoughts and feelings. When will I be able to make decisions for myself with nobody else in control. It's lonely here.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

If I could go back....

I wouldn't of announced to everyone that we were actively trying for baby #2. I would of kept that information to myself. I look back and I can remember going to dinner at my mother-in-laws and how excited I was to tell her that we were 'trying'. Now its been just shy of three years and still nothing. People think you can just not think about it. There is something in almost everything that makes me think about it. Every interaction I see between parent and child(no matter the age), every baby toy that I see, every time I look at my baby boy, when I walk into my spare room, the store, movies, the Internet, dreams, cooking, shopping, etc.... It never ends, it is always there. I can mask it as much as possible but it doesn't change the thoughts and feelings that are hidden there.
If people didn't know then maybe I wouldn't get my feelings hurt when I am down and I know there are certain people that know but yet they never ask me  how I'm doing or if I would like to talk about it. Its funny you know the other day on facebook I had written about asking friends how they are doing, even your closest friends. I wrote about how you don't always know what they are going through and how just simply asking them how they are doing can mean so much to them during a time of pain and suffering. What was funny to me was that I  had a lot of responses to that status, but not a single one of them was to ask me how I was doing. I think about people and the things I know they are going through and the things that I probably have no idea whats going on and I actively seek them out to ask how they are or to let them know that I'm here for them and that they are on my mind. I do for them what I would like to be done for me. Its hard when that doesn't ever happen. Lately I've just been feeling so alone with my thoughts. 

Monday, February 13, 2012

How much time do I have?

Time is slipping me by here lately. I can't seem to get anything done or be on time for anything. I'm so forgetful. I forgot about some things Colt needed to take to school this past week. Someone else had to pick up my slack. It's almost ten o'clock and I just remembered to put the laundry in the dryer and then it donned on me that the kids valentines party is first thing in the morning and I haven't filled his cards out or even gotten them out of the car yet. Oh time I have lost you.

Weights & Beautiful Things

Oh what a glorious weekend! This was possibly one of the most perfect weekends. On Saturday we got up and went to the donut store. The whole time we were driving Colt kept asking if we would drop him off at his Memaws house. It was super cute. So Mr. Hubs called his mom and she said to drop him off after church and he could stay the night. It doesn't matter how old my baby gets I still get butterflies in my tummy when its time to leave him overnight some where. He always does great and has a blast but I let my nerves get me every time. I got ahead of myself though. Before we dropped him off I had something else to take care of, Saturday was my first time serving at church! It was so much fun. I worked with one of the preschool classes and really enjoyed it. I thought it was pretty funny that I got put in with the three year olds. I told the director I was fine with working with the newborns up to age three. In my mind I was chanting 'newborns, newborns, newborns'. She put me in threes. The funny part was that as soon as  I found out where I'd be working I felt like God was giving me a little nudge and we shared a chuckle together. Ha! I've been asking Him for patience(dealing with my son) for as long as I can remember so when this happened I knew it was God saying, 'Okay you asked for it, I tried showing you on your own but since that didn't work lets do it my way. Here is 22 three year olds. Have fun!!'. He put me exactly where I needed to be. I've been asking for more patience, to be a better Mother, Wife, Daughter, Friend, Sister.... He put me exactly where I needed to be to learn all of this, to become who I want to be. I love my God so much. He not only shows my faults but He teaches me how to overcome them, how to be a better me. I must say, He is pretty amazing!! I had so much fun Saturday night and look forward to this Saturday so I can do it again.

After church and dropping the kid off, my husband decided to take me out for our Valentine Date. We don't usually go on dates. We never have a babysitter and when we do we have no money to go anywhere. We didn't do much but just spent a wonderful evening in each others company. He made me laugh and smile. He  kept his arm around me all night. Its amazing how the simple things can make all the difference. Just the touch of holding hands or a warm embrace can make you feel as if you are on top of the world. We ended our evening eating some breakfast and sharing a waffle at the Waffle House. I had a blast spending the evening with my husband. He makes my heart happy!!
On Sunday I picked up the bestie, one of her sons and our daughter(Ha!) and back to church we went to watch the first service in a new series called 'Weights'. This is going to be another life changing series, here is the first part. You should watch the whole thing but if you are in a hurry and can't watch it now then at least go to 1:00:40 and listen to Jordan Weston and DyAna Bush sing a soul reaching rendition of 'Beautiful Things' by Gungor. I love our worship team, all of them, they are amazing. Have you ever gotten goosebumps listening to a song? There is this connection to God that their singing and music can bring, its indescribable. Its just a beautiful thing that brings smiles and joyous tears, making you feel so close and intimate with someone that is so big. Thank you Jesus!!
Weights - Part 1 from Church on the Move on Vimeo.

COTM - Stuck In A Rut -Parts 4 & 5-

Here is the last two parts of the Stuck In A Rut series from church. This series was absolutely amazing. I've been noticing changes(for the better) in my marriage lately and even though my husband does not join me in going to church, I feel the changes have been sparked by what I have learned from this series. Changes on both of our parts. I'm a work in progress but I know that great changes are happening in me which means great things are happening in my world.

Stuck In A Rut - Part 4 from Church on the Move on Vimeo.

Stuck In A Rut - Part 5 from Church on the Move on Vimeo.