Monday, July 16, 2012

God is with me, I won't be afraid.

Dreaming is one of my worst nightmares. Not just any dream but dreams of you. They are so great when I have them but the second I wake up the tears begin and I can't shake the feelings of pain and sadness. I had the worst of them all the other night. It was a feeling I hope I never have to experience in real life. You were there and then you weren't. In a flash you were gone. It didn't make any sense. How could something so beautiful go so terribly wrong? I tried to get everyone to explain it to me but they wouldn't talk, they just stared, at you and at me. I woke up after that and I've had a feeling of terror ever sense. I've kept it from taking over because Colt keeps saying his memory verse for the week. And now I've begun saying it as well.

God is with me,  I won't be afraid.  Psalm 118:6

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Day 6 Living the Surrendered Life

I'm behind on posting these. Not that I haven't been doing them, because I have, I just don't always have things to share and I've been busy with some things around here lately. So on we go....
Romans 12:12
12 Let your hope make you glad. Be patient in time of trouble and never stop praying.

I started this blog shortly before I had opened my heart to God again. I had stopped going to church when I was a child and eventually I just drifted away from Him. I found comfort in my young wild days. Then I fell in love and after five years we became pregnant and got married. Life was going good. I wanted another baby. I waited and waited. Finally the time was right, we had just bought our house and we both agreed now was the time to start trying. With our son it took about a month -- I later found out that was basically a miracle that it happened so soon. I have PCOS. If you'd like to learn about it take a look here. This time around it wasn't happening so fast. I charted, temped, took vitamin after vitamin, it just wasn't working. We decided it was time to try the fertility drugs. I just knew in my heart it was going to happen. However to my dismay I found out that our insurance does not cover anything fertility related. My doctor marked me as infertile(BAM now that's a ton of bricks to the face).  Being labeled now meant I was no longer covered. We went ahead with the first round of clomid. With that came  a lot of lab work. Expensive lab work. None of it covered. We couldn't afford it. I was angry with God. I thought He was doing this too me. Now I know different. But then I didn't. That was when I started this blog hence the name IMPATIENTLY wishing on a star. 
I found myself in the waiting room. 
Officially I have been in the waiting room for a little over three years now. The difference between now and then is that I've accepted God into my heart. I may be in the waiting room but its Gods waiting room and He has it all planned out for exactly how long I will be waiting. I'm okay with that. Am I still sad? Well of course I am. I can't just turn those emotions off. It is easier now though. I may get sad sometimes like when my son is asking me about siblings, that breaks my heart. I know that its just a matter of time though. In this waiting time I'm learning things, things about myself, about God, about how to be a better Mother, Wife, Daughter, Sister, Friend. How to be a better me. This has been a very long hard journey but without it I don't know if or when I would of found God again. For that I am thankful. He is my savior, my rock. He is the one person that never disappears from my life. I don't have to 'try' with Him, I just have to be me and He loves me regardless. 
I don't sit around and hide from the world anymore. I don't talk about my infertility struggles as much anymore, but I hope that others remember that just because it isn't being spoken about does not make it any less of an issue or mean that the pain is not still there. I will be patient and continue praying and keep enjoying the beautiful days I've been given. 

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Blueberry Banana Bread

Last week I found this delicious recipe over at the No Sugar Sweet Life. It was so good that it just wouldn't be right to not share! Kelly has a lot of other great recipes and living healthy tips on her blog so be sure to go and check it out.

Greek Yogurt Blueberry Banana Bread

1 1/2 cups Whole Wheat Pastry Flour
3 Tbsp Whole Wheat Pastry Flour
1 1/2 tsp Baking Powder
1/2 tsp kosher salt(optional)
1/2 cup Brown Sugar(or 1/4 cup agave nectar)
1 tsp Vanilla Extract
3 Lg ripe Bananas
2 eggs
6oz Chobani Vanilla Greek Yogurt ( or blueberry)
1 cup Blueberries (fresh or frozen)

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Combine flour, baking powder, salt in a large mixing bowl. In a separate bowl,  mash bananas with a fork until they are gooey and liquid-like. Add eggs, vanilla and brown sugar mixing thoroughly. Add greek yogurt. Whisk until everything is well combined and there are no lumps. Pour the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients, and mix until just combined. Fold in the blueberries. Pour batter into a greased loaf pan and distribute evenly. Bake for one hour, or until the top is golden brown and a toothpick comes out clean. Transfer to a cooling rack and let the bread cool for at least ten minutes before slicing.

Enjoy! :)

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Day 2 Surrendered Life


Cindy Beall writes -
The natural response to an undesired event in our life is disappointment. Feeling disappointment is understandable and even accepted. But, it should be a stepping-stone on our path with Jesus...not the anchor that drowns us.

Proverbs 3:5-6
5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. 6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

We've talked about this at church recently as well and yet I'm still slow at doing what I know I need to do, what God has told me I need to do. I've been asking God to give me another child for years. We've been actively trying for three years now, I've been asking for longer. I'm constantly disappointed by this. I've come to know that it will happen in God's timing and His timing will be perfect but I still allow the disappointment to hold me back. I let the sadness and hurt stop me from growing and from being happy.

I've prayed, I've talked to God, I've listened to Him and He has told me what I need to do to get things going but I haven't followed through with my end of things.
I've been letting the disappointment be my anchor drowning me.

I need to actively listen to what He tells me and do my part so His amazing plans for me can get started.

Comments from others about Day 2 that really stuck with me are:
Kim B wrote.....God is reminding me not to rely on what I see, but to TRUST Him for what I don't see.
              Trust, Be in Him, & Follow!

I'm following along with the She Reads Truth: Surrendered Life devotional plan via web/YouVersion. I'm starting late and you can too! Join in and grow in your relationship with God! 

Monday, July 2, 2012

Day 1 Surrendered Life

-Don't borrow trouble from tomorrow.

Matthew 6:25-27
25  I tell you not to worry about your life. Don't worry about having something to eat, drink, or wear. Isn't life more than food or clothing? 26 Look at the birds in the sky! They don't plant or harvest. They don't even store grain in barns. Yet your Father in heaven takes care of them. Aren't you worth much more than birds? 27 Can worry make you live longer?

-God will always provide for us, have faith and trust in Him.
-When you allow worry into your heart you are doubting God's love and faithfulness to provide for us.
-He knows what we need.

Romans 8:28
Worry is really just a smaller way to say we don't know if God will come through. Its our inability to trust Him to do what He says He will do, which is to make all things work for the good of those who love Him.

I'm a worrier, I've always been.
I worry and stress about everything.
In return I have horrible anxiety.

My answer for when I'm anxious: God.

If God is my medicine for when I'm having those anxious feelings then why not always have Him at the forefront of my thoughts. He isn't just a sometimes guy, He is always there for us even when we choose not to see Him. He is always there.

He is first. Above all else God ALWAYS comes first.

I need to pray more.
I need to thank God more.
Praise Him more.

He proves to me His unconditional love on a daily basis, why not do the same for Him.

I'm following along with the She Reads Truth: Surrendered Life devotional plan via web/YouVersion. I'm starting late and you can too! Join in and grow in your relationship with God! 

Sunday, July 1, 2012

I heart you

I've been looking around on pinterest tonight and finding some things that I'm just over the top in LOVE with! Just thought I'd share.
How beautiful is this! I would love to have something like this one day. I need to do a mock wedding photo shoot and have more kiddos! This is gorgeous. 

I love old cameras and suitcase typewriters. When I was younger we had a suitcase typewriter that I claimed as my own and used it all the time. I loved that! I need to see if my parents still have it. I inherited some cool vintage cameras from my husbands side of the family but I'm too scared I'll break them that I haven't dug into them yet, I need to get them out and see what all I have. 
 I'm in love with all things old and all things LOVE.
I've always said that I would be happy to have a house full of boys and while I would be just as happy there is a small little part of me that lately has been really hoping I'll get to have some frilly girly time with a little lady of my own. One of these days.......