Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I daydream about you all the time
It makes my heart ache
It makes me suffocate
With everything I do
Theres always thoughts of you
I cry for you
I buy for you
I even talk and write to you
I keep wishing for the day
that I'll get to meet you
Wake up from this nightmare
make it all untrue
hold you, love you, give you my all
I dream of you, I long for you
I wish I could have you.

I worry I'm never going to get pregnant again. It scares me. I feel myself thinking about things more and more, its dragging me down, making me angry at myself, hating my body, getting depressed. Taking my feelings out on everyone else. I feel guilty and ashamed that I'm upset over not getting pregnant. I already have a son and some women dont have any children. Does that strip away my feelings? I feel lost and alone. I feel like i'm cheating my husband out of having the family he deserves to have, all the children he dreamed of one day having. Does he blame me? I know it bothers him but I dont think we are affected by it the same way so how can he understand how much it consumes me. I want to have another child. I want to give Colton siblings. I'm devestated over the thought of maybe not being able to have another- I cant imagine if the doctor ever told me I couldnt. I feel like nobody really understands what I'm going through but then at the same time I havent exactly opened myself up to anyone. I guess its because no matter how any one reacts or no matter what they say it comes off to me as the wrong thing. I'm overly sensitive about it and while I want to be an open book to my family and friends, as soon as someone says something whether it be positive or negative I slam shut and close myself off. What one person sees as a positive response and encouragement may come off to me as being completely insensitive. I need to learn to take the words that people say and grow from them. I need to have thicker skin and know that the people that love and care about me arent trying to hurt me with their words. To me, not saying anything and ignoring the issue is the same as if you just slapped me in the face. I'd rather have negative responses than silence. Its infertility, its a big deal and its not fair. Whether its a first, second, or third child or even your sixth- its still infertility. Its not right for me to be second guessing my own feelings of sadness. I'm suffering from infertility and its killing me.