Delusional?

I saw the two lines, they were just there, now there's only one. Am I crazy? Take another test...wait the right about of time....one line. I guess they tell you to wait 3 to 5 minutes for a reason. For those long 5 minutes though...the next 9 months played out in my head. It's not my time yet but for those few minutes I thought it was.....

Something for you

I bought you something today. I know I shouldn't have but its hard not to. I tried to put it back but it wasn't happening. I can imagine you wearing it one day. It's adorable. I can't wait to dress you in it. Lately you come see me in all of my dreams. Its so bittersweet. I wish to dream of you and then I wake wishing the pain wasn't there. I wouldn't trade those dreams for anything though other than you being here in my arms. One day, my child, one day. Promise.

ConceiveEasy -Review-

As many of you know, my husband and I have been actively trying to get knocked up for over three years now. It has been a long and trying process. When you are trying all you want to do is get pregnant fast. You never imagine that it won't happen as quickly as you'd like. It has been a hard journey for us, me especially. It really takes an emotional toll on you. Going to my doctor became expensive and I couldn't afford it any longer so I was thrilled when I came across  ConceiveEasy , fertility pills over the counter, yes please! 

About ConceiveEasy:

ConceiveEasy^® is a 100% Drug Free, safe and all natural solution for enhancing your body's own natural fertility and dramatically increasing your chances of conception. In a long-term efficacy and safety study, no common side effects have been reported with ConceiveEasy®.

ConceiveEasy TTC Kit System works great for:

• Unexplained infertility
• Stimulating ovulation
• Regulating cycles
• Lengthening luteal phase
• Increasing fertile CM

The package  I received is like the one pictured above. It included ConceiveEasy Months 1 & 2, 10 pregnancy & ovulation tests, a Digital Basal Thermometer, and the Get Started TTC Kit guide. I also received a bonus of 10 pregnancy tests and 10 ovulation tests. Everything has been easy to use and understand. I was afraid the pills would be horse pills but surprisingly they aren't. They aren't any bigger than an ibuprofen bar. I am very happy with this product and hopeful that I will be pregnant in the near future. 

I received the ConceiveEasy TTC kit free of charge in exchange for my honest review. All opinions stated are my own. No other compensation was provided. 

A dream within a dream

You were a girl again this time. You weren't born yet though. I was laying there and you kicked me. It was one of those kicks at the end of the pregnancy where I could see your foot sticking out. I started rubbing in that same spot to get you to do it again. Then I woke up. I started rubbing my belly again when I realized I probably wasn't far enough along yet to feel you kicking, then I woke up from that dream rubbing my belly with the realization that you aren't in there. My mind was awake but my body was frozen. I couldn't get up. A dream within a dream.

I wish dreaming of you could leave me with happiness. I wish I could wake up and just smile to myself thinking of you. It never ends that way. I always wake in sadness and grief.

God is with me, I won't be afraid.

Dreaming is one of my worst nightmares. Not just any dream but dreams of you. They are so great when I have them but the second I wake up the tears begin and I can't shake the feelings of pain and sadness. I had the worst of them all the other night. It was a feeling I hope I never have to experience in real life. You were there and then you weren't. In a flash you were gone. It didn't make any sense. How could something so beautiful go so terribly wrong? I tried to get everyone to explain it to me but they wouldn't talk, they just stared, at you and at me. I woke up after that and I've had a feeling of terror ever sense. I've kept it from taking over because Colt keeps saying his memory verse for the week. And now I've begun saying it as well.

God is with me,  I won't be afraid.  Psalm 118:6

Day 6 Living the Surrendered Life

I'm behind on posting these. Not that I haven't been doing them, because I have, I just don't always have things to share and I've been busy with some things around here lately. So on we go....

Romans 12:12
12 Let your hope make you glad. Be patient in time of trouble and never stop praying.


I started this blog shortly before I had opened my heart to God again. I had stopped going to church when I was a child and eventually I just drifted away from Him. I found comfort in my young wild days. Then I fell in love and after five years we became pregnant and got married. Life was going good. I wanted another baby. I waited and waited. Finally the time was right, we had just bought our house and we both agreed now was the time to start trying. With our son it took about a month -- I later found out that was basically a miracle that it happened so soon. I have PCOS. If you'd like to learn about it take a look here. This time around it wasn't happening so fast. I charted, temped, took vitamin after vitamin, it just wasn't working. We decided it was time to try the fertility drugs. I just knew in my heart it was going to happen. However to my dismay I found out that our insurance does not cover anything fertility related. My doctor marked me as infertile(BAM now that's a ton of bricks to the face).  Being labeled now meant I was no longer covered. We went ahead with the first round of clomid. With that came  a lot of lab work. Expensive lab work. None of it covered. We couldn't afford it. I was angry with God. I thought He was doing this too me. Now I know different. But then I didn't. That was when I started this blog hence the name IMPATIENTLY wishing on a star. 
I found myself in the waiting room. 

Officially I have been in the waiting room for a little over three years now. The difference between now and then is that I've accepted God into my heart. I may be in the waiting room but its Gods waiting room and He has it all planned out for exactly how long I will be waiting. I'm okay with that. Am I still sad? Well of course I am. I can't just turn those emotions off. It is easier now though. I may get sad sometimes like when my son is asking me about siblings, that breaks my heart. I know that its just a matter of time though. In this waiting time I'm learning things, things about myself, about God, about how to be a better Mother, Wife, Daughter, Sister, Friend. How to be a better me. This has been a very long hard journey but without it I don't know if or when I would of found God again. For that I am thankful. He is my savior, my rock. He is the one person that never disappears from my life. I don't have to 'try' with Him, I just have to be me and He loves me regardless. 
I don't sit around and hide from the world anymore. I don't talk about my infertility struggles as much anymore, but I hope that others remember that just because it isn't being spoken about does not make it any less of an issue or mean that the pain is not still there. I will be patient and continue praying and keep enjoying the beautiful days I've been given. 

If I could go back....

I wouldn't of announced to everyone that we were actively trying for baby #2. I would of kept that information to myself. I look back and I can remember going to dinner at my mother-in-laws and how excited I was to tell her that we were 'trying'. Now its been just shy of three years and still nothing. People think you can just not think about it. There is something in almost everything that makes me think about it. Every interaction I see between parent and child(no matter the age), every baby toy that I see, every time I look at my baby boy, when I walk into my spare room, the store, movies, the Internet, dreams, cooking, shopping, etc.... It never ends, it is always there. I can mask it as much as possible but it doesn't change the thoughts and feelings that are hidden there.

If people didn't know then maybe I wouldn't get my feelings hurt when I am down and I know there are certain people that know but yet they never ask me  how I'm doing or if I would like to talk about it. Its funny you know the other day on facebook I had written about asking friends how they are doing, even your closest friends. I wrote about how you don't always know what they are going through and how just simply asking them how they are doing can mean so much to them during a time of pain and suffering. What was funny to me was that I  had a lot of responses to that status, but not a single one of them was to ask me how I was doing. I think about people and the things I know they are going through and the things that I probably have no idea whats going on and I actively seek them out to ask how they are or to let them know that I'm here for them and that they are on my mind. I do for them what I would like to be done for me. Its hard when that doesn't ever happen. Lately I've just been feeling so alone with my thoughts. 

Bittersweet Dreams

I dreamed of you last night. You were a girl this time. It seemed like a silly dream when I first recounted it. The feeling that came with it though, aww that was unbelievable. It was so lifelike, so real. I can't wait until it becomes a reality. I love you. Now, always and forever.

Bad Dreams

Every time everything is going great in my mind something has to come up to taunt me. Dreams. I don't like having dreams where your greatest desires come true. To me that is a nightmare. Eventually you have to wake up and when you do reality sets in and you come crashing down.

Maybe someday....

I'll get over my heartaches.

Sadness has a hold of me lately. I know it shouldn't, I'm trying not to let it get a firm grip but its hard. I think it has to do with getting older and dreams not being fulfilled. I grew up having an idea of how my life would go, planning the things I wanted to do and wanted to happen and all by a certain time and now that age is here and things are still uncertain and I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I'm feeling lost, unappreciated, undesirable, broken.

He wants....

Have you ever had one of those moments where your heart melts and your heart breaks in the same instant? Where as soon as you are filled with joy you have a realization and then the sadness hits making all the joy disappear. For the past couple of weeks Colt has been telling me he wants a baby. One day its a brother the next day its a sister. Either way he wants a sibling. He wants what I don't have to give and I'm not even able to promise him that he'll get one soon. It makes my heart sad.

Bummed

I'm in a funk today. I know that God has healed me and that I will receive my second child but I'm still sad about the here and now. I took a another test today. I try to avoid them like the plague but I needed to know. It was negative of course. I've been in a crabby mood ever since. I need a cute stuffed animal to cheer me up. Someone get my husband the memo stat!

One Line

That's what I saw when I took a pregnancy test earlier. The funny thing is, I wasn't upset this time. I haven't been taking tests because well when you've been trying for over two years, it becomes a huge slap in the face every time you get another negative test. I decided to take one today because of how great I've been feeling about it all and as you know, it was negative. I was fine. I wasn't sad or upset at all. I just shrugged my shoulders and said "It's okay, it'll happen".  I'm happy. Today I proved to myself of how far I have come.

Philippians 4:6-7
Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Clarity

On Mother's Day 2011(well technically it was the day before) I was singing praise and worship at church when I felt God put his arms around me and I felt an embrace I've never had before. I was hurting and at that moment I knew God was telling me to let it all go. To trust Him and let Him carry my pain for me. Its an experience that I hope everyone gets a chance to have. Its indescribable.
For so long all my focus was on my infertility struggles. Its all I could think about. It took control of my life. That night at church, I knew everything was going to be okay. Of course I'm still sad about things but I don't keep it as my focus. There are some days that pass where its not even a blip on my radar.
Gods love is all I need. He has me wrapped so tight in his arms, I know he's never letting go.
It may sound strange but I know God has another child for me. I've dreamed of him. I've held him in my arms. He has the perfect child for me just waiting until its time. There are lessons left for me to learn and I know that. I feel at peace with it now. I know its only a matter of time before I'm ready. I trust God and I know that in His time all the desires of my heart will be fulfilled.

Secondary Infertility

I came across this article earlier and thought I should share it. I hope you will read it and share your thoughts.

Secondary Infertility by:Omaha mom Laura King

Two Years....

The two year anniversary...as if its something anyone would want to celebrate. It's been two years since we've been trying to get pregnant, hey lets share a cake. No thanks. A bottle of tequila maybe...if only I drank.

source

I was really hoping I could get through this month without thinking about it. Just let it pass by and ignore it. Stupid facebook. Why is it that the first thing that always seems to be on my news feed is another pregnancy announcement?! It can't be in the middle so I'll skip over it, its always the first thing on top. Seriously? I mean really, I'm happy for you, I promise I am but I don't want to see it, read it, or hear about it. I just don't. I'm just bitter. I hate feeling this way. I feel like I can't talk about it with anyone anymore. What's more to be said? There isn't anything. Some days I'm fine but this entire month just hasn't been working out for me. Maybe next month will be better.

Sad Sometimes

Some days I'm fine but when the light turns to darkness and no one is near I'm consumed by my thoughts. My head won't shut off and I play things in my mind over and over. Eventually, I'll end up falling asleep, tears staining my cheeks.

Just because I make it a point to not really talk about it anymore doesn't mean I'm not still hurting. Just because I don't want to open up to you or hold your hand through it doesn't mean I'm okay, it also doesn't mean that its just you that I'm not talking to about it. Its everyone. I don't want to talk about it unless I bring it up. Its not something you just throw into an every day normal conversation about sunny skies.  I don't like to be caught off guarded or made to feel guilty for not talking about it. This is something that I am going through and its not okay to be made to feel guilty about not sharing it. Don't turn my problem into your own, don't try to take from it, from me. This is my suffering.

I had a friend the other day who I don't talk to that often but she knows the situation. She used to be a really good friend but we drifted, or well she drifted. That's okay, I know that happens sometimes and we are still there for each other we just don't get to talk as much anymore. At least that's what I thought. I don't know how much she is really there for me seeing as how she is too consumed with her self that she acts a fool every time I talk to her. She made a comment. A comment that normally I would let roll off my back and not sweat it but it hurt. It was like she stabbed me and then just went on about the conversation like I wasn't sitting there bleeding to death. For anyone else I don't think it would of hurt me as bad because this particular person has been told and retold by myself and another about what I'm going through and how I don't like to talk about it and its really not okay to say anything or make a joke about it.. So why can't she remember that?? What is so hard about just keeping your mouth shut?

"I'm still saving all my baby clothes for you, if you ever decide your finally going to have another one". ::giggle::

That was her comment. No big deal right. It shouldn't be. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive, I don't know. Why did she laugh afterwards? What was so damn funny? Is the joke on me? If I finally decide to have another one? Seriously?? I don't want you saving your baby clothes for me. I appreciate it and if you just really want to save it then do it but put it on the back burner and don't tell me about it, don't bring it up. If they are taking up too much space in your attic then get rid of them.

I've held on to my own baby things for too long. We are getting rid of it all. It hurts. I know its just stuff but its all I have left to the baby world. I look over and see the swing and I can picture in my head a tiny little newborn being rocked back and forth but that space is empty now because my husband dragged the swing off to work today to give it to someone who needs it. That makes me happy knowing that we are helping a couple that are just starting and having a hard time and just had their first baby and that baby is going to laugh and smile and coo and fall asleep in that swing. But it also makes me sad.

Next month will mark the two year anniversary of when we started trying to conceive baby #2. This is one anniversary that I don't care to celebrate.

You Can't Hide

How in the world are you suppose to not think about something when it's constantly staring you in the face??? It's impossible to hide from it but honestly some days, it's all I want to do.

God is Great!

source

Service today was great!!!
What do you want most for 2011?
My first thought was a baby of course but almost instantly I thought no it's happiness. Yes I want a baby but more than anything I want to be completely happy and satisfied with what I have. I want to enjoy my life to the fullest and not concentrate on what's missing. Who am I to say that something is missing anyways?
I don't know what the future holds but I know that my life is happening NOW! If I don't take hold of the reigns and live it to the fullest then one day I'm going to wake up in pain realizing that time has passed me by. I don't want that. I want to live every day with real genuine smiles on my face and absolutely no regrets.
It doesn't mean that I'm not going to be TTC still or that I may be sad from time to time but I think it's completely natural to still have that want I just don't want it to become my ONLY want and desire.
My #1 is happiness. I thought that I had to have a second baby in order to be happy because that was my desire, a baby. I've come to realize though that in making my desire #1 in my life I was becoming very unhappy and losing myself.

Today's service just really hit home for me. I had actually been thinking about this for awhile now and I wrote something about a week ago on my phone and had forgotten about it and then today at church the service begins and he is telling a story and in my head I'm thinking 'okay when are we going to get to the message' and then I got it. I realized the story he was telling us about scuba diving really was just about so much more. I immediately just had this 'ah ha' moment of realization for my own life. It gave me goosebumps! God is GREAT!

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Here is what I had written on my phone:

Live for the now. You have to live in the present not the future. Hard to put into action and actually do it. Something I've struggled with for a long time now. I get so wrapped up in whats going to happen or what I want to happen that I don't/can't see what is happening in the now. You have to be present in your life in order to live it. Still have hope and still believe and pray about it but don't let it consume you by putting all your focus on it.

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Finding Home

I've been doing better lately. I really feel that it has alot to do with the fact that I've been going to church for the past month. I still think about it all the time but I'm not obsessing over it as I was before. I could spend all day every day looking up information on forums and researching and just driving myself crazy mad over all things infertility but I've found something else to throw that energy towards. I really enjoy going to church. I don't even know how to explain it, I just feel GREAT when I'm there. Every single time I go, at some point throughout the service I get goose bumps and I know that's where I belong. I'm trying with everything that I have to just turn it over to God and leave it to him. I can't make anything happen, all I can do is make myself an emotional mess stressing over it and making myself depressed. So while yes everything is a constant reminder and I do think about it at some point every day, I'm trying not to focus on it. I don't want to be an angry sad person for the rest of my life. I want to enjoy what I've been given. I have a great life. It may not be going as I had planned but I just need to trust that eventually it'll get there.