Tuesday, June 22, 2010


We've been trying for fourteen months now. I have officially been diagnosed as infertile. Its not something set in stone. It could still happen. Fingers crossed that it will but timing is everything and things just havent been lining up for us. To actually be diagnosed as infertile though, thats just absolutely heartbreaking. It makes me feel worthless as a woman. If I wasnt already feeling that way enough I've now been labeled which just makes it a million times worse. My doctor told me that with Colton we got extremely lucky and that we are blessed to have him. Basically it was a miracle that we conceived him within a month of trying with no help. She said it was just perfect timing.
We have a gameplan now which you would think would make me feel better but it doesnt. As soon as I left the doctors office I went to sonic and while waiting I called my insurance. On the phone with BCBS and I'm having a complete breakdown and sobbing when they bring me my drink. My insurance does not cover anything pertaining to infertility. So none of my medicine, doc visits, labwork, procedures if needed, etc, nothing will be covered. So we are going ahead with trying this month but if it doesnt work then we may not be able to continue with the fertility drugs. It just depends on how much its all going to cost. If we can continue then my doc does three rounds and if it doesnt happen by the third month then we have to decide if its something we want to pursue. If so, she will refer us to a fertility specialist. If not, well then we just go about our lives.
I feel like its all down to me. I honestly dont know if I will have another child. I feel like I'm in mourning.

I'm so tired of people thinking that because I already have a child that it doesnt matter or that my feelings arent validated. It is just as much a big deal and just as emotional. I have the same yearning and want as any woman has to be a mother. To have a child. To feel a baby moving inside of you. This whole thing has consumed me. Its changed me. Its changed my relationship. I'm angry and sad. I fight daily just to put a smile on my face and to laugh at your jokes.

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