Fun in the Sun

This past week has been a busy one. We've played in the sprinklers, celebrated someone specials 2nd bday, met friends at the aquarium, played at the park, had a picnic, flew a kite and the list goes on and on. Heres a few pictures from our fun-filled week.

Maia, Colton, Gabriel, Logan

Happy Birthday Bouncing Gabriel!

Cassie and I took the boys to Bouncy Barn's new location for the first time today. They had so much fun. Its Gabriels 2nd Birthday today. I like the new place but hope they continue to decorate and get it looking more 'barn' like. I loved the big red barn where it was previously located so hopefully it will gain that farm like feeling over time. The boys really enjoyed themselves until some older boys arrived and were a bit more rowdy. I wish they would of had a comment/concern box. It'd be great if they had seperate area for older kids. I thought at the old one it was like before noon was a certain age group and then afternoon was for all ages under ten but it seems to be different at this location unless I'm mistaken. We still had fun and will go back as always.

The Birthday Boy

Quack! Quack!!

We took Colton to the park yesterday to feed the ducks. He had so much fun. It was very hot out though so we didnt stay long. I love ducks but I hate when they come up so close and quack at me! It was a very nice relaxing day and great to get away from things. I hope you enjoy the pictures. Quack Quack!!

Infertile

We've been trying for fourteen months now. I have officially been diagnosed as infertile. Its not something set in stone. It could still happen. Fingers crossed that it will but timing is everything and things just havent been lining up for us. To actually be diagnosed as infertile though, thats just absolutely heartbreaking. It makes me feel worthless as a woman. If I wasnt already feeling that way enough I've now been labeled which just makes it a million times worse. My doctor told me that with Colton we got extremely lucky and that we are blessed to have him. Basically it was a miracle that we conceived him within a month of trying with no help. She said it was just perfect timing.
We have a gameplan now which you would think would make me feel better but it doesnt. As soon as I left the doctors office I went to sonic and while waiting I called my insurance. On the phone with BCBS and I'm having a complete breakdown and sobbing when they bring me my drink. My insurance does not cover anything pertaining to infertility. So none of my medicine, doc visits, labwork, procedures if needed, etc, nothing will be covered. So we are going ahead with trying this month but if it doesnt work then we may not be able to continue with the fertility drugs. It just depends on how much its all going to cost. If we can continue then my doc does three rounds and if it doesnt happen by the third month then we have to decide if its something we want to pursue. If so, she will refer us to a fertility specialist. If not, well then we just go about our lives.
I feel like its all down to me. I honestly dont know if I will have another child. I feel like I'm in mourning.



I'm so tired of people thinking that because I already have a child that it doesnt matter or that my feelings arent validated. It is just as much a big deal and just as emotional. I have the same yearning and want as any woman has to be a mother. To have a child. To feel a baby moving inside of you. This whole thing has consumed me. Its changed me. Its changed my relationship. I'm angry and sad. I fight daily just to put a smile on my face and to laugh at your jokes.

Give it a Giggle

I took Colton to the zoo today. The 'Hello Jell-O Give it a Giggle Tour was there. We went and walked around for a bit and got some free jell-O. Colt ate his and mine. Oink Oink! :)
It was fun. Its nice getting out sometimes and going places with just the two of us.

Introducing Maicey Kay

My best friend had her baby girl this morning. She is 4lbs 9oz and 17 1/4in long. Both mommy and baby are doing great! I am so happy for her, we've prayed for this moment for her for a very long time. She is going to be a fantastic mommy!!! I cant wait to meet my niece and give my best friend a hug!

Updated: More Pics! Baby is home and everyone is doing great!

I daydream about you all the time
It makes my heart ache
It makes me suffocate
With everything I do
Theres always thoughts of you
I cry for you
I buy for you
I even talk and write to you
I keep wishing for the day
that I'll get to meet you
Wake up from this nightmare
make it all untrue
hold you, love you, give you my all
I dream of you, I long for you
I wish I could have you.




I worry I'm never going to get pregnant again. It scares me. I feel myself thinking about things more and more, its dragging me down, making me angry at myself, hating my body, getting depressed. Taking my feelings out on everyone else. I feel guilty and ashamed that I'm upset over not getting pregnant. I already have a son and some women dont have any children. Does that strip away my feelings? I feel lost and alone. I feel like i'm cheating my husband out of having the family he deserves to have, all the children he dreamed of one day having. Does he blame me? I know it bothers him but I dont think we are affected by it the same way so how can he understand how much it consumes me. I want to have another child. I want to give Colton siblings. I'm devestated over the thought of maybe not being able to have another- I cant imagine if the doctor ever told me I couldnt. I feel like nobody really understands what I'm going through but then at the same time I havent exactly opened myself up to anyone. I guess its because no matter how any one reacts or no matter what they say it comes off to me as the wrong thing. I'm overly sensitive about it and while I want to be an open book to my family and friends, as soon as someone says something whether it be positive or negative I slam shut and close myself off. What one person sees as a positive response and encouragement may come off to me as being completely insensitive. I need to learn to take the words that people say and grow from them. I need to have thicker skin and know that the people that love and care about me arent trying to hurt me with their words. To me, not saying anything and ignoring the issue is the same as if you just slapped me in the face. I'd rather have negative responses than silence. Its infertility, its a big deal and its not fair. Whether its a first, second, or third child or even your sixth- its still infertility. Its not right for me to be second guessing my own feelings of sadness. I'm suffering from infertility and its killing me.