Sad Sometimes

Some days I'm fine but when the light turns to darkness and no one is near I'm consumed by my thoughts. My head won't shut off and I play things in my mind over and over. Eventually, I'll end up falling asleep, tears staining my cheeks.

Just because I make it a point to not really talk about it anymore doesn't mean I'm not still hurting. Just because I don't want to open up to you or hold your hand through it doesn't mean I'm okay, it also doesn't mean that its just you that I'm not talking to about it. Its everyone. I don't want to talk about it unless I bring it up. Its not something you just throw into an every day normal conversation about sunny skies.  I don't like to be caught off guarded or made to feel guilty for not talking about it. This is something that I am going through and its not okay to be made to feel guilty about not sharing it. Don't turn my problem into your own, don't try to take from it, from me. This is my suffering.

I had a friend the other day who I don't talk to that often but she knows the situation. She used to be a really good friend but we drifted, or well she drifted. That's okay, I know that happens sometimes and we are still there for each other we just don't get to talk as much anymore. At least that's what I thought. I don't know how much she is really there for me seeing as how she is too consumed with her self that she acts a fool every time I talk to her. She made a comment. A comment that normally I would let roll off my back and not sweat it but it hurt. It was like she stabbed me and then just went on about the conversation like I wasn't sitting there bleeding to death. For anyone else I don't think it would of hurt me as bad because this particular person has been told and retold by myself and another about what I'm going through and how I don't like to talk about it and its really not okay to say anything or make a joke about it.. So why can't she remember that?? What is so hard about just keeping your mouth shut?

"I'm still saving all my baby clothes for you, if you ever decide your finally going to have another one". ::giggle::

That was her comment. No big deal right. It shouldn't be. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive, I don't know. Why did she laugh afterwards? What was so damn funny? Is the joke on me? If I finally decide to have another one? Seriously?? I don't want you saving your baby clothes for me. I appreciate it and if you just really want to save it then do it but put it on the back burner and don't tell me about it, don't bring it up. If they are taking up too much space in your attic then get rid of them.

I've held on to my own baby things for too long. We are getting rid of it all. It hurts. I know its just stuff but its all I have left to the baby world. I look over and see the swing and I can picture in my head a tiny little newborn being rocked back and forth but that space is empty now because my husband dragged the swing off to work today to give it to someone who needs it. That makes me happy knowing that we are helping a couple that are just starting and having a hard time and just had their first baby and that baby is going to laugh and smile and coo and fall asleep in that swing. But it also makes me sad.

Next month will mark the two year anniversary of when we started trying to conceive baby #2. This is one anniversary that I don't care to celebrate.

God is Great!

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Service today was great!!!
What do you want most for 2011?
My first thought was a baby of course but almost instantly I thought no it's happiness. Yes I want a baby but more than anything I want to be completely happy and satisfied with what I have. I want to enjoy my life to the fullest and not concentrate on what's missing. Who am I to say that something is missing anyways?
I don't know what the future holds but I know that my life is happening NOW! If I don't take hold of the reigns and live it to the fullest then one day I'm going to wake up in pain realizing that time has passed me by. I don't want that. I want to live every day with real genuine smiles on my face and absolutely no regrets.
It doesn't mean that I'm not going to be TTC still or that I may be sad from time to time but I think it's completely natural to still have that want I just don't want it to become my ONLY want and desire.
My #1 is happiness. I thought that I had to have a second baby in order to be happy because that was my desire, a baby. I've come to realize though that in making my desire #1 in my life I was becoming very unhappy and losing myself.

Today's service just really hit home for me. I had actually been thinking about this for awhile now and I wrote something about a week ago on my phone and had forgotten about it and then today at church the service begins and he is telling a story and in my head I'm thinking 'okay when are we going to get to the message' and then I got it. I realized the story he was telling us about scuba diving really was just about so much more. I immediately just had this 'ah ha' moment of realization for my own life. It gave me goosebumps! God is GREAT!

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Here is what I had written on my phone:

Live for the now. You have to live in the present not the future. Hard to put into action and actually do it. Something I've struggled with for a long time now. I get so wrapped up in whats going to happen or what I want to happen that I don't/can't see what is happening in the now. You have to be present in your life in order to live it. Still have hope and still believe and pray about it but don't let it consume you by putting all your focus on it.

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Honesty

I'm having a hard time deciding how honest I should be with this blog regarding my TTC journey and feelings. I would like to go back and post some entries I have from awhile back but they are raw feelings that I havent shared with many people. Some I've never shared. I just dont want anyone to get feelings hurt by what I write.

This was written last year:

I'm frustrated and latelly getting very discouraged. I feel somewhat guilty for letting it bother me or for feeling down. I have a child, I was blessed with a beautiful son so I shoudnt feel so cheated. I need to just be grateful for the one son I've been given. Nobody has ever said anything so I dont know why I feel this way. I want another baby so bad. I imagine its already created and just waiting on me to come get him. I talk to him and pick out baby things imagining using them for this baby-to-be that I have yet to conceieve. I dream of him at night and for a brief moment when I first wake up I forget that I'm really not even pregnant. But for that moment I can feel him. I feel as though I've had and lost a child- thats how this connection is. Why can I feel something that hasnt happened! It makes me feel ashamed for having these feelings when I have friends who have had losses. I just dont know how else to put it in words. I feel as though I'm grieving for something
I never had  in the first place.
I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of waking up and not being able to go back to sleep because I'm crying. I cry because while I wish and hope to dream of being pregnant and feeling that connection again, every time it happens it feels like a nightmare afterwards!