I'm having a hard time deciding how honest I should be with this blog regarding my TTC journey and feelings. I would like to go back and post some entries I have from awhile back but they are raw feelings that I havent shared with many people. Some I've never shared. I just dont want anyone to get feelings hurt by what I write.
This was written last year:
I'm frustrated and latelly getting very discouraged. I feel somewhat guilty for letting it bother me or for feeling down. I have a child, I was blessed with a beautiful son so I shoudnt feel so cheated. I need to just be grateful for the one son I've been given. Nobody has ever said anything so I dont know why I feel this way. I want another baby so bad. I imagine its already created and just waiting on me to come get him. I talk to him and pick out baby things imagining using them for this baby-to-be that I have yet to conceieve. I dream of him at night and for a brief moment when I first wake up I forget that I'm really not even pregnant. But for that moment I can feel him. I feel as though I've had and lost a child- thats how this connection is. Why can I feel something that hasnt happened! It makes me feel ashamed for having these feelings when I have friends who have had losses. I just dont know how else to put it in words. I feel as though I'm grieving for something
I never had in the first place.
I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of waking up and not being able to go back to sleep because I'm crying. I cry because while I wish and hope to dream of being pregnant and feeling that connection again, every time it happens it feels like a nightmare afterwards!