Some days I'm fine but when the light turns to darkness and no one is near I'm consumed by my thoughts. My head won't shut off and I play things in my mind over and over. Eventually, I'll end up falling asleep, tears staining my cheeks.
Just because I make it a point to not really talk about it anymore doesn't mean I'm not still hurting. Just because I don't want to open up to you or hold your hand through it doesn't mean I'm okay, it also doesn't mean that its just you that I'm not talking to about it. Its everyone. I don't want to talk about it unless I bring it up. Its not something you just throw into an every day normal conversation about sunny skies. I don't like to be caught off guarded or made to feel guilty for not talking about it. This is something that I am going through and its not okay to be made to feel guilty about not sharing it. Don't turn my problem into your own, don't try to take from it, from me. This is my suffering.
I had a friend the other day who I don't talk to that often but she knows the situation. She used to be a really good friend but we drifted, or well she drifted. That's okay, I know that happens sometimes and we are still there for each other we just don't get to talk as much anymore. At least that's what I thought. I don't know how much she is really there for me seeing as how she is too consumed with her self that she acts a fool every time I talk to her. She made a comment. A comment that normally I would let roll off my back and not sweat it but it hurt. It was like she stabbed me and then just went on about the conversation like I wasn't sitting there bleeding to death. For anyone else I don't think it would of hurt me as bad because this particular person has been told and retold by myself and another about what I'm going through and how I don't like to talk about it and its really not okay to say anything or make a joke about it.. So why can't she remember that?? What is so hard about just keeping your mouth shut?
"I'm still saving all my baby clothes for you, if you ever decide your finally going to have another one". ::giggle::
That was her comment. No big deal right. It shouldn't be. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive, I don't know. Why did she laugh afterwards? What was so damn funny? Is the joke on me? If I finally decide to have another one? Seriously?? I don't want you saving your baby clothes for me. I appreciate it and if you just really want to save it then do it but put it on the back burner and don't tell me about it, don't bring it up. If they are taking up too much space in your attic then get rid of them.
I've held on to my own baby things for too long. We are getting rid of it all. It hurts. I know its just stuff but its all I have left to the baby world. I look over and see the swing and I can picture in my head a tiny little newborn being rocked back and forth but that space is empty now because my husband dragged the swing off to work today to give it to someone who needs it. That makes me happy knowing that we are helping a couple that are just starting and having a hard time and just had their first baby and that baby is going to laugh and smile and coo and fall asleep in that swing. But it also makes me sad.
Next month will mark the two year anniversary of when we started trying to conceive baby #2. This is one anniversary that I don't care to celebrate.