A Maize of Fun!

Yesterday morning my sister called and invited us to my nieces field trip to the local corn maize. I've never been before so I was pretty excited. I found out that Colt LOVES jumping in hay! Oh and he thinks Goats are nice. We played in the sand tire, fed and petted the goats, walked across hay bales and jumped into the hay pit. Of course we also went on a tractor hay ride and walked through the corn maize - it wasn't anything like I thought it'd be. I was a little nervous thinking it'd be like the scary movies on TV where you get lost and cant find your way out and someone is chasing you.....I was afraid I'd end up in a ball rocking myself back and worth crying while a bunch of first graders laughed at me! Luckily none of that happened. Whew! We ended up having a lot of fun and I'm really glad we went.

Burr...It was chilly out!

Beautiful girls. My sister and niece

He loved the goats, wasn't afraid at all

Baby Boy & Momma

Fearless!

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Sometimes I feel so lost in the world. I feel like I'm standing in a room surrounded by people and nobody can see or hear me. I could scream at the top of my lungs and no one would even notice. I could be right in front of their faces, waving my hands and jumping up and down and they would be blind to me. Sometimes its like I'm not really even here.

Finding Home

I've been doing better lately. I really feel that it has alot to do with the fact that I've been going to church for the past month. I still think about it all the time but I'm not obsessing over it as I was before. I could spend all day every day looking up information on forums and researching and just driving myself crazy mad over all things infertility but I've found something else to throw that energy towards. I really enjoy going to church. I don't even know how to explain it, I just feel GREAT when I'm there. Every single time I go, at some point throughout the service I get goose bumps and I know that's where I belong. I'm trying with everything that I have to just turn it over to God and leave it to him. I can't make anything happen, all I can do is make myself an emotional mess stressing over it and making myself depressed. So while yes everything is a constant reminder and I do think about it at some point every day, I'm trying not to focus on it. I don't want to be an angry sad person for the rest of my life. I want to enjoy what I've been given. I have a great life. It may not be going as I had planned but I just need to trust that eventually it'll get there.

Book Review: These Things Hidden

Recently I was sent a copy of  These Things Hidden by Heather Gudenkauf   for review. I had a hard time with this book because of personal issues and I may not have chosen it had I known what it was about but I'm glad I had the opportunity to read it. It wasn't anything like I imagined it was going to be from even just the first few chapters. You truly have to read this book from beginning to end before making any kind of judgement on it.  It kept me on my toes the entire time. It was such a roller coaster of emotions. This book has many topics it touches base on but the main one is Motherhood. Not just being a mother in the usual sense, its from several viewpoints and makes you really see the love between a woman and her child, whether she be the Mother or not. The author really lets you in with each of the characters and their stories, you can feel their emotions and feelings as if they are your own. There were many times that I was angry and frustrated throughout the book but it just kept me wanting to read more to understand. This book takes you through a relationship of sisters, the guilt of murder, the love for a child, the fear of deception and the angst of losing a loved one. Its a dark read and if you allow it, very emotional.

The book is set to release in Feb 2011. Reserve your copy now on amazon at the link above.

He stole my heart

Happy Anniversary

Yesterday we celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary. Its hard to believe its been that long. We've been together for 7 1/2 years now. I'm still madly in love with him. He is my everything. 

My mom watched Colt overnight for the first time yesterday! It was a little nerve racking for me but she didnt call in the middle of the night so I assume it went well. Jay and I went out to dinner and then went and did some shopping. He then took me to the Marble Slab Creamery. I've been wanting to go since they opened so I was very happy. Jay got the 'Cookie Dough Drizzle' and I got the 'S'more'. They were delicious. A bit pricey but good. To end the night we came home and rented Jonah Hex. I cant tell you how it was because we both passed out within twenty minutes! We had a great Anniversary. 

Pumpkin Patch

Kissee faces to my Momma

Last Tuesday Colton and I went out to lunch and then to the pumpkin patch with Colts Me maw and Grandpa. It was his first time and he had fun. He ran the whole time! He cared more about the little play houses than the pumpkins but it was a great fun time. 

Would you like to come in?

Wheres Colton? Here I am! 

These pumpkins are heavy!! 

I'm super strong from eating all my veggies

Hey Me maw, want a bite?

Weeeeeee

We really enjoyed ourselves and can't wait to go try out another pumpkin patch this week with some great friends. I really need to get his Halloween costume but I just haven't done it yet. We have looked here and there but haven't seriously looked at buying one. I think he is going to be Woody from Toy Story. His best friend is going to be Buzz Lightyear and he loves Woody so they will be a cute pair. If he sees something else that he just gets super excited about though then we'll change to that. I think the Buzz and Woody pair will be adorable but I also have a feeling that this is going to be a Toy Story Halloween and I really don't want to have to search through a gazillion woodys to find mine! 

Letting go

It feels like there is something lodged in my throat like I'm short of breath. I can't breathe. I'm suffocating. I close my eyes at night and pray I'll be able to fall asleep. My eyelids shut but nothing else turns off. I lay there for hours, tossing and turning. I go from bed to couch, couch to floor, back to couch, just trying to get comfortable enough to maybe fall asleep for an hour. I'm exhausted.
I can't keep doing this. I can't live like this. I think I may be giving up.

Tunnel of Trees

I wish I could go here and run free. Get lost within the trees.

Dear Myself

Why do you behave the way you do? Why do you hide from your true feelings? Why do you push others away? What are you hiding from? Yourself? Your friends and family? The World? God?? What are you so afraid of?

Things happen in life that you cant stop but that doesn't mean you need to shut out the world.

Sometimes its easier to be alone and hide from the world than putting myself out there. Sometimes it feels like I'm just going through life nodding in agreement and wearing a fake smile upon my face. Its easier. Sometimes it just makes more sense to hide within myself.

Missing You

I dont understand how someone can be with us one minute and gone the next. Sometimes I forget they are gone and I think about going and visiting and then it hits me like a ton of bricks. They died, they arent here anymore to visit.
Everyone disappeared when they passed. I miss them, all of them, dead and alive.