Starting new

Its a new day. Its a new year. Its a time to start new.
Resolutions? Nah.. I've never been one to really stick with them - (read previous post). Instead I have hopes and ideas for my life and I have faith in God and what He has in store for me.

My hope for myself this year is to....Grow. Learn. Live. Contentment.

I want to listen to Him and really understand what He is saying to me. I pray for clarity.

As I've said before, last year was not my year. So much pain and suffering. So many things broken. Now that things are coming back together and the pieces are being mended it doesn't make it all fixed. There is a lot of underlining issues that haven't been resolved. There is still a lot of pain and hurt under the surface. There is confusion still. There is heartache.

I pray.

I pray for understanding. I pray for love. I pray for friendships. I pray for the lost and confused. I pray for healing.

I pray and I praise. A beautiful God, a beautiful life.

God is with me, I won't be afraid.

Dreaming is one of my worst nightmares. Not just any dream but dreams of you. They are so great when I have them but the second I wake up the tears begin and I can't shake the feelings of pain and sadness. I had the worst of them all the other night. It was a feeling I hope I never have to experience in real life. You were there and then you weren't. In a flash you were gone. It didn't make any sense. How could something so beautiful go so terribly wrong? I tried to get everyone to explain it to me but they wouldn't talk, they just stared, at you and at me. I woke up after that and I've had a feeling of terror ever sense. I've kept it from taking over because Colt keeps saying his memory verse for the week. And now I've begun saying it as well.

God is with me,  I won't be afraid.  Psalm 118:6

Day 6 Living the Surrendered Life

I'm behind on posting these. Not that I haven't been doing them, because I have, I just don't always have things to share and I've been busy with some things around here lately. So on we go....

Romans 12:12
12 Let your hope make you glad. Be patient in time of trouble and never stop praying.


I started this blog shortly before I had opened my heart to God again. I had stopped going to church when I was a child and eventually I just drifted away from Him. I found comfort in my young wild days. Then I fell in love and after five years we became pregnant and got married. Life was going good. I wanted another baby. I waited and waited. Finally the time was right, we had just bought our house and we both agreed now was the time to start trying. With our son it took about a month -- I later found out that was basically a miracle that it happened so soon. I have PCOS. If you'd like to learn about it take a look here. This time around it wasn't happening so fast. I charted, temped, took vitamin after vitamin, it just wasn't working. We decided it was time to try the fertility drugs. I just knew in my heart it was going to happen. However to my dismay I found out that our insurance does not cover anything fertility related. My doctor marked me as infertile(BAM now that's a ton of bricks to the face).  Being labeled now meant I was no longer covered. We went ahead with the first round of clomid. With that came  a lot of lab work. Expensive lab work. None of it covered. We couldn't afford it. I was angry with God. I thought He was doing this too me. Now I know different. But then I didn't. That was when I started this blog hence the name IMPATIENTLY wishing on a star. 
I found myself in the waiting room. 

Officially I have been in the waiting room for a little over three years now. The difference between now and then is that I've accepted God into my heart. I may be in the waiting room but its Gods waiting room and He has it all planned out for exactly how long I will be waiting. I'm okay with that. Am I still sad? Well of course I am. I can't just turn those emotions off. It is easier now though. I may get sad sometimes like when my son is asking me about siblings, that breaks my heart. I know that its just a matter of time though. In this waiting time I'm learning things, things about myself, about God, about how to be a better Mother, Wife, Daughter, Sister, Friend. How to be a better me. This has been a very long hard journey but without it I don't know if or when I would of found God again. For that I am thankful. He is my savior, my rock. He is the one person that never disappears from my life. I don't have to 'try' with Him, I just have to be me and He loves me regardless. 
I don't sit around and hide from the world anymore. I don't talk about my infertility struggles as much anymore, but I hope that others remember that just because it isn't being spoken about does not make it any less of an issue or mean that the pain is not still there. I will be patient and continue praying and keep enjoying the beautiful days I've been given. 

Day 2 Surrendered Life

Disappointment

Cindy Beall writes -
The natural response to an undesired event in our life is disappointment. Feeling disappointment is understandable and even accepted. But, it should be a stepping-stone on our path with Jesus...not the anchor that drowns us.

Proverbs 3:5-6
5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. 6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

We've talked about this at church recently as well and yet I'm still slow at doing what I know I need to do, what God has told me I need to do. I've been asking God to give me another child for years. We've been actively trying for three years now, I've been asking for longer. I'm constantly disappointed by this. I've come to know that it will happen in God's timing and His timing will be perfect but I still allow the disappointment to hold me back. I let the sadness and hurt stop me from growing and from being happy.

I've prayed, I've talked to God, I've listened to Him and He has told me what I need to do to get things going but I haven't followed through with my end of things.
I've been letting the disappointment be my anchor drowning me.

I need to actively listen to what He tells me and do my part so His amazing plans for me can get started.

Comments from others about Day 2 that really stuck with me are:
Kim B wrote.....God is reminding me not to rely on what I see, but to TRUST Him for what I don't see.
              Trust, Be in Him, & Follow!


I'm following along with the She Reads Truth: Surrendered Life devotional plan via web/YouVersion. I'm starting late and you can too! Join in and grow in your relationship with God! 

10,000 Reasons

There has been so many heavy issues weighing on my heart lately. My eyes fill with tears daily as the sadness overwhelms me. I can't let that take over me anymore though. There are reasons why I am sad but when you think about it there are so many more reasons to smile and rejoice in these beautiful days we've been given. I may not know His exact plans for me yet but I do know that they will be great! I love an amazing God!  

Oh how glorious He is

On Easter weekend my sister and her two girls got water baptized! It was amazing being able to witness it. I am so happy and proud of them! Praise Jesus, He is AMAZING!

Kenzie

Jayden

Marisa

Afterwards: Me, Kenzie, Marisa(my sister), Jayden, and my Momma

Here is the Easter Service from Church. I hope you get a chance to watch it, it was great!

Easter 2012 (Welcome Home) from Church on the Move on Vimeo.

He is my Lifeguard

With all the things going on lately this was the perfect saying that I needed to hear today. Thank you to my Foxy Jessie for sharing it with me.

Picture Credit goes to the BFF Colette

Never Stop Dancing

You went to dance in Heaven today. I want to say so many things but there are no words to explain how we are feeling without you. You were the strongest most amazing woman I have ever known. You were my friend, my sister, my sugar plum snuggle wuggles. You were our sweet sweet Foxy Lady. We love you so much. We will see you again beautiful cat-eyed girl.

Imposter

I'm a liar. I'm a fake, a fraud. I'm not anything like how I say I am or how I pretend to be. I am not a strong person. I was not built to be the rock. I crumble under the pressure. I fall apart when it comes time to care for me. I have nothing left for myself. I have a promise to keep and I will not fail, but in the end I may not be here anymore. The me that makes me, me, may just possibly be too far gone by then. God please give me the strength and courage, please give me the right words to say and the comfort of your embrace through my touch. Amen.

Weights & Beautiful Things

Oh what a glorious weekend! This was possibly one of the most perfect weekends. On Saturday we got up and went to the donut store. The whole time we were driving Colt kept asking if we would drop him off at his Memaws house. It was super cute. So Mr. Hubs called his mom and she said to drop him off after church and he could stay the night. It doesn't matter how old my baby gets I still get butterflies in my tummy when its time to leave him overnight some where. He always does great and has a blast but I let my nerves get me every time. I got ahead of myself though. Before we dropped him off I had something else to take care of, Saturday was my first time serving at church! It was so much fun. I worked with one of the preschool classes and really enjoyed it. I thought it was pretty funny that I got put in with the three year olds. I told the director I was fine with working with the newborns up to age three. In my mind I was chanting 'newborns, newborns, newborns'. She put me in threes. The funny part was that as soon as  I found out where I'd be working I felt like God was giving me a little nudge and we shared a chuckle together. Ha! I've been asking Him for patience(dealing with my son) for as long as I can remember so when this happened I knew it was God saying, 'Okay you asked for it, I tried showing you on your own but since that didn't work lets do it my way. Here is 22 three year olds. Have fun!!'. He put me exactly where I needed to be. I've been asking for more patience, to be a better Mother, Wife, Daughter, Friend, Sister.... He put me exactly where I needed to be to learn all of this, to become who I want to be. I love my God so much. He not only shows my faults but He teaches me how to overcome them, how to be a better me. I must say, He is pretty amazing!! I had so much fun Saturday night and look forward to this Saturday so I can do it again.


After church and dropping the kid off, my husband decided to take me out for our Valentine Date. We don't usually go on dates. We never have a babysitter and when we do we have no money to go anywhere. We didn't do much but just spent a wonderful evening in each others company. He made me laugh and smile. He  kept his arm around me all night. Its amazing how the simple things can make all the difference. Just the touch of holding hands or a warm embrace can make you feel as if you are on top of the world. We ended our evening eating some breakfast and sharing a waffle at the Waffle House. I had a blast spending the evening with my husband. He makes my heart happy!!

On Sunday I picked up the bestie, one of her sons and our daughter(Ha!) and back to church we went to watch the first service in a new series called 'Weights'. This is going to be another life changing series, here is the first part. You should watch the whole thing but if you are in a hurry and can't watch it now then at least go to 1:00:40 and listen to Jordan Weston and DyAna Bush sing a soul reaching rendition of 'Beautiful Things' by Gungor. I love our worship team, all of them, they are amazing. Have you ever gotten goosebumps listening to a song? There is this connection to God that their singing and music can bring, its indescribable. Its just a beautiful thing that brings smiles and joyous tears, making you feel so close and intimate with someone that is so big. Thank you Jesus!!
 
Weights - Part 1 from Church on the Move on Vimeo.

COTM - Stuck In A Rut -Parts 4 & 5-

Here is the last two parts of the Stuck In A Rut series from church. This series was absolutely amazing. I've been noticing changes(for the better) in my marriage lately and even though my husband does not join me in going to church, I feel the changes have been sparked by what I have learned from this series. Changes on both of our parts. I'm a work in progress but I know that great changes are happening in me which means great things are happening in my world.


Stuck In A Rut - Part 4 from Church on the Move on Vimeo.

Stuck In A Rut - Part 5 from Church on the Move on Vimeo.

God You Lifted Me Out

I disappeared for awhile. I hid in my bed only waking when I had to. I prayed. I talked to God. Slowly day by day the feeling of a million needles pricking my arms making them tingle faded away.  I've been able to leave the house and not feel completely overwhelmed. The anxiety has subsided. It was two weeks that felt like years going by. I don't know what caused it or why it was happening as I usually don't but man is it a scary feeling. Being in a place that you don't understand, having feelings that you don't want to feel and not being able to make them stop. Anxiety. It's not something that is just in your head. It can make you physically ill and unable to function. I thank God that He lifted me out.

COTM - Stuck In A Rut - Part 2


Stuck In A Rut - Part 2 from Church on the Move on Vimeo.

COTM - Stuck In A Rut - Part 3


Stuck In A Rut - Part 3 from Church on the Move on Vimeo.

It took a lot to get myself to church on Saturday night. I had to force myself to go. I wanted to go that wasn't the problem it was that I was afraid I would have an anxiety attack as I have had one there before. I knew that it was where I needed to be though. I am so glad I went. In the video above - part 3- we sang a song that had only two lyrics: God you lifted me out; And I'll tell all the world.  It was exactly what I needed to hear. I had been praying to God so much and when we started singing this song it was like He was giving me a big ole hug reassuring me that I didn't need to be scared anymore because He lifted me out.
God is AMAZING!!!!

His Touch

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how you can feel God's love through the embrace of a loved one or even the touch of a stranger. We need that sometimes when the hard times are too much to bare and our lives are filled with sadness. I know that God is there always. He knows the plans He has in store for me and my family and for my friends. I don't know that plan though and when I see people struggling it is so hard for me to understand all of the suffering. I've learned to put all my trust in God. I pray to Him, I ask of Him, I talk to Him, I listen to Him, I receive Him, I love Him. He is with me always and when my heart is breaking and sad, He always knows how to give me a little squeeze and let me know He is still here. 
I've been surrounded by heartache this year. I have a great group of friends. They are my girls, they are my Foxys. Five women. Each one of us has been suffering a great deal this year. One of us is fighting for her life. She has made courageous decisions and sacrifices that few could ever fully understand. She is our fighter and we are her army. We will stand behind her, beside her, and with her through every thing. She is our world. She WILL beat cancer. I don't care what doctors say, I know what God says, He is who I serve and who I trust. Another one of us has been fighting a numerous amount of illnesses off and on. She is in pain more times than not. We have fathers who are gone fighting for our country, fathers who have to work on the road to provide for our families. Financial troubles, emotional issues. Raising babies alone, young and old. There is so much heartache in our lives. I am sad for my friends. 
I don't know his plans for us but I do know great things will come of them. I know that He is there for us and He will show you if you pay attention. I was at the store the other day and it was a hard day emotionally. I was with Colton and he was walking down the toy isle showing me what he wanted. I told him he could get a puzzle(a cheap one). He didn't want that one, he wanted the bigger spiderman puzzle. I had to tell him no and that he could ask Santa for it. Trying to get his mind off of it I showed him a puzzle I liked and told him to tell daddy that mommy wanted it for Christmas. He looked at it and then grabbed the one he wanted and said, "Okay and you tell Daddy I want this one". It was beyond cute. There was an older gentleman and a woman about my age on the same isle. They kept laughing at the things Colt was saying and they passed us several times. When we were at the checkout and I was paying, the man came up beside me grabbed a hold of my shoulder and handed me a bag and said, "Santa wanted your boy to have this. Merry Christmas". Then he walked off. I almost started crying. He had bought the puzzle Colt wanted. It wasn't about the puzzle. It was the touch of a stranger. The touch of God. He showed me His kindness and His love through the giving of another. 
You may call them Secret Santa's but I call them blessings from God. He knew what I needed when I needed it, something so simple as the touch of a stranger. 

The Next Step....

I'm not the greatest when it comes to change or new experiences. If I don't know exactly what to expect then more than likely I won't be doing it. I realized last night at church that I don't only do that in daily activities but I've done that with my walk with God. There is so much I'd like to do to grow with Him and the church but because I haven't been down this road before, I stop myself short. I've been keeping myself from great things. I look forward to jumping in with both feet from now on and not letting my anxiety or fears get the best of me. I'm excited for the amazing things God is doing in my life and all that He has in store for me!

On the Road--- Tomorrow morning the bestie and I are headed to OKC for the Women of Faith 'Over the Top' conference. We are so excited. Thank you to Women of Faith and BookSneeze for providing me with this awesome opportunity!

100 Devotions, 100 Bible Songs -Review-

100 Devotions, 100 Bible Songs
Created by Stephen Elkins
Illustrated by Tim O'Conner

About the book:

Kids can read, sing, and learn while they spend time with God!
In 100 Devotions, 100 Bible Songs children can read a devotion, sing a beloved song, and say a prayer all while learning and spending time with God. Perfect for before school, bedtime, or anytime, these short devotions will be fun for kids and help parents grow their children’s faith.
With bright illustrations, great music, and powerful messages, kids will have fun while they learn to walk with God and apply the message of the Bible to their everyday lives.
My thoughts:
What a great book!!! I don't think I can possibly express how much I love this book. I wanted to review this book because I had been on the lookout for something I could use to teach my three year old son more about God. We have both been learning so much from this book. We read about God, we look and talk about the beautiful illustrations and then we listen to the song that goes with each devotion. To finish it off we read the bible verse and say our daily prayer that is provided. This is a wonderful book! 


I received this book free from BookSneeze.com as part of their book review blogger program in exchange for an honest review whether it be negative or positive. The opinions I have expressed are my own.

Life Application Study Bible Devotional -Review-

I've found what I've been searching for and its called:
Life Application Study Bible Devotional - Daily Wisdom from the Life of JESUS
Produced by Tyndale
Produced by Livingstone

They delight in the law of the Lord, meditating on it day and night. Psalm 1:2

About:
Readers of the Life Application Study Bible—the #1 bestselling study Bible—will welcome the arrival of the new Life Application Study Bible Devotional. Let the life of Jesus sink into your mind and heart with 312 readings from the gospels—one for each weekday and one for the weekend. In the Life Application Study Bible Devotional: Daily Wisdom from Jesus, each week focuses on a different event in Jesus’ life—drawing out daily wisdom from his parables, teachings, conversations, miracles, and interactions with people. You’ll learn important biblical principles, become inspired to put God’s Word into practical action, and be forever changed by a year spent going deeper with your Savior.

My thoughts:
I love reading my bible. I love searching for the perfect verse for different occasions. Something was missing though.  I wanted to have daily reading time. I craved learning more about God. I would read my bible but I didn't understand it all and didn't really know where to start and where to end. With the Life Application Study Bible Devotional I am able to fix my morning coffee and sit down and go to my week and day and read. I have my bible next to me and I'm able to go through and focus on one part at a time. I love the 'Getting Personal' sections that are provided on each day. It has really helped me to tune in more to God and myself. I write the questions and answers down in my notebook and when I'm having a hard day it always helps to go back through and read them.



I received one copy of Life Application Study Bible Devotional  from Tyndale House Publishers as part of their blogger review program in exchange for my honest review of the book, whether it be negative or positive. No other compensation was provided. 

Bummed

I'm in a funk today. I know that God has healed me and that I will receive my second child but I'm still sad about the here and now. I took a another test today. I try to avoid them like the plague but I needed to know. It was negative of course. I've been in a crabby mood ever since. I need a cute stuffed animal to cheer me up. Someone get my husband the memo stat!

Colette's Testimony

I have something very special that I would like to share. My best friend Colette wrote up her testimony and she asked me to share it with my readers. I hope by reading her story you will be filled with inspiration and hope. 

Hello, my name is Colette.

To start out, I was born with cystic fibrosis.  This is a fatal disease that today has an average lifespan of 37 years.  I am 29 years old and I am so blessed to have lived this long and hope for another 29 years!  When my mom was pregnant with me, the dr’s told her to abort me because they knew I’d be just like my sister, Jennifer.  She too, has cystic fibrosis and was extremely sick at the time.  The dr’s also told my parents they didn’t think we’d live past the age of 21.  Now my sister is 30!  You can’t always trust the dr’s because there is only ONE TRUE physician.  So God has been here taking care of my sister & I, letting us live as long as we have.  Another miracle he has blessed me with is my beautiful daughter.  Cystic fibrosis affects the reproductive system and we prayed and prayed and prayed for a healthy baby and we got one!!  I am so overwhelmed by His love, that He would give such an unhealthy person her wish of a healthy baby!!!  I’m AMAZED!

A few months after I had my daughter, right around Nov. 2011 I noticed the joints in my thumbs were hurting & I had no idea why.  Then I remember it was Christmas time and I noticed my elbows were swollen.  More joints were hurting by this time, a lot of my fingers were swollen and in pain, my knees, my hips, my wrists were the worst!  It hurt to write & to pick up anything, especially my own baby.  I had to get creative on how I picked her up.  I’d roll her onto my arm and lift her that way.  It hurt to hold my cell phone up to my ear, or to turn on the ignition in my car and to turn the gas cap.  You are supposed to let it click three times, and it took all I had to have it click just once.  I even had to walk downstairs sideways – which is how my grandmother has to walk downstairs, and I was 28 at the time!!  I had horrible fatigue and some days I would get fevers.  On those days I could barely get out of bed.  I had no appetite and I was losing weight.  I found that the only thing that gave me relief was a steroid pack that has medicine for just a few days.  I basically begged my family doctor twice to give me a prescription for it because I needed some relief, even if it was just for a few days- I was desperate.  During all of this I got pneumonia in Feb. 2011 and my liver count went crazy and was instructed to stop my Crohn’s medicine.  I was diagnosed with Crohn’s in 2008.  I had already had a feeling for a while that I really didn’t need to take my Crohn’s medicine anymore.  Something just made me feel I really didn’t have a need for it anymore.  You are supposed to take the medicine like 3 or 4 times a day and I had reduced my dosage to once a day because, again, I just didn’t feel I needed it.  I was too scared to come off of it completely because of the amount of pain I went through back in 2008.  When the dr’s told me to stop my medicine, just for now, until my liver gets better, I was comfortable in getting off of it.  So I was doing a lot of lab work, over and over again and my arthritis dr could not figure out what was wrong with me.  After a few months he finally tells me I have poly-arthritis; which means I have arthritis in multiple joints.  But he couldn’t explain why I had all of the other symptoms.  He recommended some type of medicine and said it was a strong medicine.  I didn’t want to take anything like that because I already put a lot of medicine in my body.  I cried a lot and didn’t know what to do.  I felt like no one wanted to fix me and I felt that no dr wanted to “own” me and dedicate themselves to me and make me better.  I didn’t want to live like this for the rest of my life.  I would dream into the future with my baby girl and I didn’t want her to be affected because I couldn’t be active with her.  I want to be well enough to chase her around the back yard and be involved in her extracurricular activities.  I prayed a lot.  By this time it was time to see my pulmonologist for my follow up from the pneumonia.  My mom started going with me to my dr appts since she was so upset that I hadn’t had any progress.  We tell my pulmonologist what is going on and he puts me on steroids just for now.  I knew it would give me some relief so I happily accepted the medicine, but I knew it was just a temporary fix.  It still wasn’t the “answer.”  I take my meds and I am feeling GREAT!! I have energy!  I can go to the store!  I can have a life!! Before it took all I had to go to work all week and then on the weekends I’d stay home with the baby and sleep and rest as much as I could.  I had no life.  I could finally straighten out my arm!! Which I hadn’t been able to do for weeks!  It was close to the end of my medicine and I accidentally missed a dose.  The very next day I felt my thumbs started hurting again…It was just a reminder that it wasn’t gone, it was just being masked.  I follow up with my pulmonologist again; he wants to reduce my dosage.  So I finish out my current dosage and I get busy and I don’t fill my new prescription.  Weeks go by and finally I think to myself…Wait a minute!! I am off the steroids! I forgot to refill my prescription and I HAVE NO PAIN!!  I feel GREAT and I’m not on any medicine and haven’t been for a few weeks!! WOW!   I am amazed that I can still straighten out my arm!  I haven’t had any fevers or fatigue!  IT’S GONE!  I can jump up and down, move my fingers, etc.  I am speechless!  There’s only ONE explanation!  That is that God has healed that part of me!  And I still continue to be off my Crohn’s medicine with no symptoms of Crohns!  I am back to my normal self again, just all of a sudden!  No warning!  I owe it all to Jesus.  He listened.  He was there with my pain every moment and took it away!  I believe in God.  I believe He works miracles.  I believe He has healed me of my Crohn’s and arthritis.  There’s only one more left!  Me and my sister!   The reason I want to share my story is to remind you all that miracles DO happen.  Jesus is here listening, don’t give up.  Seek Him and trust in Him.  I want to help others keep their hopes up.  If anyone is feeling like they are grasping onto that last bit of hope, hold on tight and pray and continue to pray.  Thank you for listening to my story.

I hate feeling helpless. When there isn't anything you can do to help the ones you love, it hurts. A feeling of disbelief is wavering in the air this morning. We've known this was coming but being in the hospital has made things really set in. I wish we could just sweep our dear friend up and take her away. Heal her with sandy beaches, crashing waves and little umbrellas in too sweet fruity drinks. Cabana boys with ripped abs and way too tight speedos. Girly giggles and inside jokes.
I wish I could give her all things that warm the heart. The right words to calm and ease her mind. I wish strength and courage could be available in a pill form for these extra hard times.
I know that God is all we need and more. He provides us with our strength and courage. Love and healing.

Isiah 40:31
But those who trust the Lord will find new strength. They will be strong like eagles soaring upward on wings; they will walk and run without getting tired.

Jeremiah 30:17
For I will restore health unto you, and I will heal you of your wounds, saith the Lord.

Jeremiah 33:6
Then someday, I will heal this place and my people as well, and let them enjoy unending peace.

My Church Is Kind Of A Big Deal -COTM- Parts 1 & 2

My Church Is Kind Of A Big Deal - Part 1 from Church on the Move on Vimeo.


My Church Is Kind Of A Big Deal - Part 2 from Church on the Move on Vimeo.