Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Day 6 Living the Surrendered Life

I'm behind on posting these. Not that I haven't been doing them, because I have, I just don't always have things to share and I've been busy with some things around here lately. So on we go....
Romans 12:12
12 Let your hope make you glad. Be patient in time of trouble and never stop praying.


I started this blog shortly before I had opened my heart to God again. I had stopped going to church when I was a child and eventually I just drifted away from Him. I found comfort in my young wild days. Then I fell in love and after five years we became pregnant and got married. Life was going good. I wanted another baby. I waited and waited. Finally the time was right, we had just bought our house and we both agreed now was the time to start trying. With our son it took about a month -- I later found out that was basically a miracle that it happened so soon. I have PCOS. If you'd like to learn about it take a look here. This time around it wasn't happening so fast. I charted, temped, took vitamin after vitamin, it just wasn't working. We decided it was time to try the fertility drugs. I just knew in my heart it was going to happen. However to my dismay I found out that our insurance does not cover anything fertility related. My doctor marked me as infertile(BAM now that's a ton of bricks to the face).  Being labeled now meant I was no longer covered. We went ahead with the first round of clomid. With that came  a lot of lab work. Expensive lab work. None of it covered. We couldn't afford it. I was angry with God. I thought He was doing this too me. Now I know different. But then I didn't. That was when I started this blog hence the name IMPATIENTLY wishing on a star. 
I found myself in the waiting room. 
Officially I have been in the waiting room for a little over three years now. The difference between now and then is that I've accepted God into my heart. I may be in the waiting room but its Gods waiting room and He has it all planned out for exactly how long I will be waiting. I'm okay with that. Am I still sad? Well of course I am. I can't just turn those emotions off. It is easier now though. I may get sad sometimes like when my son is asking me about siblings, that breaks my heart. I know that its just a matter of time though. In this waiting time I'm learning things, things about myself, about God, about how to be a better Mother, Wife, Daughter, Sister, Friend. How to be a better me. This has been a very long hard journey but without it I don't know if or when I would of found God again. For that I am thankful. He is my savior, my rock. He is the one person that never disappears from my life. I don't have to 'try' with Him, I just have to be me and He loves me regardless. 
I don't sit around and hide from the world anymore. I don't talk about my infertility struggles as much anymore, but I hope that others remember that just because it isn't being spoken about does not make it any less of an issue or mean that the pain is not still there. I will be patient and continue praying and keep enjoying the beautiful days I've been given. 

2 comments:

Kim B. said...

Boy did this speak to me Kristin! I too am in the waiting room & it's taking all my faith & trust to stay there & not get up & leave! I've had 2 friends waiting with me for the same reasons (jobs for our spouses) Both of their spouses got jobs yesterday while we are still waiting! My human side was frustrated, but I knew that was Satan & immediately prayed for forgivness! I then found myself rejoicing with them & having faith they will soon be rejoicing with me too! I am praying for you as you await God's timing! Stay faithful in prayer & His Word!

Kristin P said...

It can be hard but its so great to take our own situations out of it and just rejoice with our friends. Last night at church we talked about renewing our minds, part of that is when we have those type of thoughts to not speak them, go to the word, say it, and do it. You did just that. He has the perfect job for your husband, it has everything that you and your husband need and desire. It will be bigger and better than anything you have imagined! I will continue keeping you and yours in my prayers. God Bless!

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