Something for you

I bought you something today. I know I shouldn't have but its hard not to. I tried to put it back but it wasn't happening. I can imagine you wearing it one day. It's adorable. I can't wait to dress you in it. Lately you come see me in all of my dreams. Its so bittersweet. I wish to dream of you and then I wake wishing the pain wasn't there. I wouldn't trade those dreams for anything though other than you being here in my arms. One day, my child, one day. Promise.

Bittersweet Dreams

I dreamed of you last night. You were a girl this time. It seemed like a silly dream when I first recounted it. The feeling that came with it though, aww that was unbelievable. It was so lifelike, so real. I can't wait until it becomes a reality. I love you. Now, always and forever.

His Touch

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how you can feel God's love through the embrace of a loved one or even the touch of a stranger. We need that sometimes when the hard times are too much to bare and our lives are filled with sadness. I know that God is there always. He knows the plans He has in store for me and my family and for my friends. I don't know that plan though and when I see people struggling it is so hard for me to understand all of the suffering. I've learned to put all my trust in God. I pray to Him, I ask of Him, I talk to Him, I listen to Him, I receive Him, I love Him. He is with me always and when my heart is breaking and sad, He always knows how to give me a little squeeze and let me know He is still here. 
I've been surrounded by heartache this year. I have a great group of friends. They are my girls, they are my Foxys. Five women. Each one of us has been suffering a great deal this year. One of us is fighting for her life. She has made courageous decisions and sacrifices that few could ever fully understand. She is our fighter and we are her army. We will stand behind her, beside her, and with her through every thing. She is our world. She WILL beat cancer. I don't care what doctors say, I know what God says, He is who I serve and who I trust. Another one of us has been fighting a numerous amount of illnesses off and on. She is in pain more times than not. We have fathers who are gone fighting for our country, fathers who have to work on the road to provide for our families. Financial troubles, emotional issues. Raising babies alone, young and old. There is so much heartache in our lives. I am sad for my friends. 
I don't know his plans for us but I do know great things will come of them. I know that He is there for us and He will show you if you pay attention. I was at the store the other day and it was a hard day emotionally. I was with Colton and he was walking down the toy isle showing me what he wanted. I told him he could get a puzzle(a cheap one). He didn't want that one, he wanted the bigger spiderman puzzle. I had to tell him no and that he could ask Santa for it. Trying to get his mind off of it I showed him a puzzle I liked and told him to tell daddy that mommy wanted it for Christmas. He looked at it and then grabbed the one he wanted and said, "Okay and you tell Daddy I want this one". It was beyond cute. There was an older gentleman and a woman about my age on the same isle. They kept laughing at the things Colt was saying and they passed us several times. When we were at the checkout and I was paying, the man came up beside me grabbed a hold of my shoulder and handed me a bag and said, "Santa wanted your boy to have this. Merry Christmas". Then he walked off. I almost started crying. He had bought the puzzle Colt wanted. It wasn't about the puzzle. It was the touch of a stranger. The touch of God. He showed me His kindness and His love through the giving of another. 
You may call them Secret Santa's but I call them blessings from God. He knew what I needed when I needed it, something so simple as the touch of a stranger. 

He wants....

Have you ever had one of those moments where your heart melts and your heart breaks in the same instant? Where as soon as you are filled with joy you have a realization and then the sadness hits making all the joy disappear. For the past couple of weeks Colt has been telling me he wants a baby. One day its a brother the next day its a sister. Either way he wants a sibling. He wants what I don't have to give and I'm not even able to promise him that he'll get one soon. It makes my heart sad.

An Angel Is Born

One of my really good friends had her baby the other day. I can't even begin to express how much happiness she is bringing me. I will be the first to admit that for awhile I distanced myself from her and didn't rejoice with her as much as I should have. I wasn't doing good with my own situation. I was having a poor me pity party and it saddens me that I wasn't there for my friend 100% of the time. That kills me. She needed me and I wasn't there.
We've talked about things since then and I have explained(no excuses) why I acted as I did and I feel she has forgiven me. She may not know the exact feelings I was having but she understands it, understands me. She knows how much I have been hurting and she has always tried to be there for me. I wish I would of just expressed what was going on and talked to her rather than trying to hide away. I not only hurt myself by doing that but I hurt her...and that hurts me even more.
She has been through a lot and instead of letting things get to her, she learned from them. She grew from them. She continues to grow as a child of God, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister and a friend. She is absolutely beautiful from the inside out and I am honored to call her my friend.
For a long time things were foggy for me. I couldn't see straight. I only knew the here and now and couldn't see past my pain and struggles. Then things changed. I changed. I continued going to church and praying. I confessed my sins to God and asked for his forgiveness, I was saved. I really just started believing as a whole with absolutely no doubt in my mind. I have given all of my pain and suffering to God and I've honestly been happy...something I really haven't been in a long time.

I was able to be truly happy for my friend. I was happy for her before but I carried a lot of sadness and grief with it and then one day it was gone. The only thing left was a heart full of love, happiness and real genuine smiles. Going through our hard times together has brought us closer. For that I am thankful. I'm able to be there for her completely now and it brings me such joy. Her daughter brings me great happiness. I feel a connection with her, this precious child. I feel like God has taught me great lessons through her: Hope, Faith and Unconditional Love. I truly am blessed. I have so many amazing friends, it almost doesn't seem fair to the world that I managed to capture all the great ones out there.

Congratulations to my amazing friend and her family.

Photo credit: Brian Moreno Barker (*edited by me)