365 days

Its been three hundred and sixty five days since you took your last breath.
That's 31,536,000 seconds.  Its been 525,600 minutes since you left.
Eight thousand seven hundred and sixty long hours.
52 weeks.

Its been one year since you left us, and not a single day goes by that you are not thought of. You will forever live on in my heart and my memories. I look forward to the day that I get to see you again and hug you in Heaven. My beautiful sweet foxy, you are missed. You are loved.

I cry

I wake up in the middle of the night and I cry. I hold my pillow over my face to muffle the sound and I cry.
I cry and I cry and I cry.
I cry because I miss you but most of all I cry because of what you left behind. Who you left behind. They are all heartbroken but there is one in particular I'm scared of losing. She is in the dark and fading fast.
You were the shining light, the glorious smile that lit up our lives and showed us the way. Without you here it is darker and it is colder. I need you to help her. I know you are still there. I know you are standing right behind her, arms wrapped around her keeping her from falling but she needs to feel you, hear you, hold you. She needs you. I can't do what you did. I can't be who you were. I can't say what you would say.
I don't know what more to do. I'm lifting my hands up to God and sending hugs and kisses to you. Help me. Please. Show me what I'm suppose to do to help her get through.

With you

I haven't slept much since you left. I haven't been awake much either. I'm not sure if I'm here or there. I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm at. I feel scared and alone. This whirlwind of emotions is just too much for my brain to handle. I feel like I'm on a roller-coaster and I can't get off and I can't get the lap bar to lock into place either. I am barely holding on and at any minute I'm going to go flying off losing myself for ever if I haven't already. 
I keep replaying the past in my mind. Going over memory after memory pausing to remember the facial expressions only you could make. Hearing the sound of your voice in my head. Your scent as I kissed your forehead for the last time. Your laugh. Your hair(& at times, the lack of). Your love and passion for the ones you held dear to your heart. Your strength and determine. I close my eyes and I remember you. I close my eyes and hope you will meet me in my dreams for one last hello. 

Never Stop Dancing

You went to dance in Heaven today. I want to say so many things but there are no words to explain how we are feeling without you. You were the strongest most amazing woman I have ever known. You were my friend, my sister, my sugar plum snuggle wuggles. You were our sweet sweet Foxy Lady. We love you so much. We will see you again beautiful cat-eyed girl.

Imposter

I'm a liar. I'm a fake, a fraud. I'm not anything like how I say I am or how I pretend to be. I am not a strong person. I was not built to be the rock. I crumble under the pressure. I fall apart when it comes time to care for me. I have nothing left for myself. I have a promise to keep and I will not fail, but in the end I may not be here anymore. The me that makes me, me, may just possibly be too far gone by then. God please give me the strength and courage, please give me the right words to say and the comfort of your embrace through my touch. Amen.

His Touch

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how you can feel God's love through the embrace of a loved one or even the touch of a stranger. We need that sometimes when the hard times are too much to bare and our lives are filled with sadness. I know that God is there always. He knows the plans He has in store for me and my family and for my friends. I don't know that plan though and when I see people struggling it is so hard for me to understand all of the suffering. I've learned to put all my trust in God. I pray to Him, I ask of Him, I talk to Him, I listen to Him, I receive Him, I love Him. He is with me always and when my heart is breaking and sad, He always knows how to give me a little squeeze and let me know He is still here. 
I've been surrounded by heartache this year. I have a great group of friends. They are my girls, they are my Foxys. Five women. Each one of us has been suffering a great deal this year. One of us is fighting for her life. She has made courageous decisions and sacrifices that few could ever fully understand. She is our fighter and we are her army. We will stand behind her, beside her, and with her through every thing. She is our world. She WILL beat cancer. I don't care what doctors say, I know what God says, He is who I serve and who I trust. Another one of us has been fighting a numerous amount of illnesses off and on. She is in pain more times than not. We have fathers who are gone fighting for our country, fathers who have to work on the road to provide for our families. Financial troubles, emotional issues. Raising babies alone, young and old. There is so much heartache in our lives. I am sad for my friends. 
I don't know his plans for us but I do know great things will come of them. I know that He is there for us and He will show you if you pay attention. I was at the store the other day and it was a hard day emotionally. I was with Colton and he was walking down the toy isle showing me what he wanted. I told him he could get a puzzle(a cheap one). He didn't want that one, he wanted the bigger spiderman puzzle. I had to tell him no and that he could ask Santa for it. Trying to get his mind off of it I showed him a puzzle I liked and told him to tell daddy that mommy wanted it for Christmas. He looked at it and then grabbed the one he wanted and said, "Okay and you tell Daddy I want this one". It was beyond cute. There was an older gentleman and a woman about my age on the same isle. They kept laughing at the things Colt was saying and they passed us several times. When we were at the checkout and I was paying, the man came up beside me grabbed a hold of my shoulder and handed me a bag and said, "Santa wanted your boy to have this. Merry Christmas". Then he walked off. I almost started crying. He had bought the puzzle Colt wanted. It wasn't about the puzzle. It was the touch of a stranger. The touch of God. He showed me His kindness and His love through the giving of another. 
You may call them Secret Santa's but I call them blessings from God. He knew what I needed when I needed it, something so simple as the touch of a stranger. 

Stained

I don't want to get out of bed today. I want to stay under my covers and go to sleep.  I try to get up, I try to turn my mind and emotions off but it doesn't work. The tears keep falling staining my face. I feel so lost, sad, helpless. I'm confused. I don't understand. Why is this happening?

Numb

Have you ever cried so much that you become unbelievably exhausted. Your eyes hurt and you can barely keep them open. I'm in a state of numbness. I keep catching myself drift off into another world. I need unspoken prayers please.

She is doing GREAT!!!

I realize that I never updated on how Amy is doing. She is FANTASTIC!! It is amazing. She is such an inspiration. Cassie and I were able to go visit with her again last Thursday and it was very peaceful and calming to my heart to see how well she was doing. She is healing beautifully and getting around on her own. She has been moved to the rehab floor and has been doing three hours of physical therapy each day. She should be coming home this week which I know she is anxious to get back to her husband and children. It will be so nice to be able to just stop by and visit with her anytime. Help her out with anything that she needs. I'm so ready to have our friend back home where she belongs.
Here is the teddy bear that Cassie and I made Amy on our last trip to visit her. Let me just tell you, I get a bit carsick on road trips.......so I really don't recommend sewing while riding down the road. This teddy was worth it though. (Oh, we didn't make the teddy, just altered him.)

I hate feeling helpless. When there isn't anything you can do to help the ones you love, it hurts. A feeling of disbelief is wavering in the air this morning. We've known this was coming but being in the hospital has made things really set in. I wish we could just sweep our dear friend up and take her away. Heal her with sandy beaches, crashing waves and little umbrellas in too sweet fruity drinks. Cabana boys with ripped abs and way too tight speedos. Girly giggles and inside jokes.
I wish I could give her all things that warm the heart. The right words to calm and ease her mind. I wish strength and courage could be available in a pill form for these extra hard times.
I know that God is all we need and more. He provides us with our strength and courage. Love and healing.

Isiah 40:31
But those who trust the Lord will find new strength. They will be strong like eagles soaring upward on wings; they will walk and run without getting tired.

Jeremiah 30:17
For I will restore health unto you, and I will heal you of your wounds, saith the Lord.

Jeremiah 33:6
Then someday, I will heal this place and my people as well, and let them enjoy unending peace.

Farewell Leg Party

Jessie, Me, Amy, Cassie (Not pictured is our yummy delicious milk chocolate DY -she had to bail early from fussy baby syndrome). 

 Last night was the party. It went great. I'm fixing to head to OKC with part of the group to stay overnight. The surgery will be first thing tomorrow morning. Will try to update as the night goes on. Prayers needed!

Amputation

I've had something weighing heavy on my heart lately. I'm not really sure how to handle it. I'm sad, confused and heartbroken. My friend has been battling cancer and the time has now come where the doctor said its 'life or limb'. She is choosing life, so with that being said, on Monday she is having her leg amputated. She has remained positive and strong through every thing and continues to keep her humor. Tomorrow night we will be having a farewell party for her leg. Yeah you read that right...a farewell party for a Leg. Why not send it off the right way! We will be having a potluck party with delicious food, drinks, laughter and many many tears I'm sure. She wants to play pin the leg on Amy(think pin the tail on the donkey children's game) and she is also bringing a bunch of different permanent markers for everyone to decorate her leg. It will be a time to come together and show our support for our dear friend. We would appreciate any prayers you can send our way. Thanks.

Why??

Why do the young have to go through so much pain and suffering? When is enough enough? What do you do when you see the one you love giving up hope? When you can see the light dimming in their eyes and the fight left in them is weakening? What are you suppose to do?
I don't understand how someone so young and so beautiful with so much to offer to this world has to continuously suffer.
You want to be strong but the circle around you is breaking. Everything including your hope is shattering to a million pieces and the tears just fall and your heartbroken. What do you do?