With you

I haven't slept much since you left. I haven't been awake much either. I'm not sure if I'm here or there. I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm at. I feel scared and alone. This whirlwind of emotions is just too much for my brain to handle. I feel like I'm on a roller-coaster and I can't get off and I can't get the lap bar to lock into place either. I am barely holding on and at any minute I'm going to go flying off losing myself for ever if I haven't already. 
I keep replaying the past in my mind. Going over memory after memory pausing to remember the facial expressions only you could make. Hearing the sound of your voice in my head. Your scent as I kissed your forehead for the last time. Your laugh. Your hair(& at times, the lack of). Your love and passion for the ones you held dear to your heart. Your strength and determine. I close my eyes and I remember you. I close my eyes and hope you will meet me in my dreams for one last hello. 

He is my Lifeguard

With all the things going on lately this was the perfect saying that I needed to hear today. Thank you to my Foxy Jessie for sharing it with me.

Picture Credit goes to the BFF Colette

Why so serious?

So much has been happening here lately that I never updated with the results of my tests I had. I also realized that I have been just beating around the bush and not actually saying what is going on. There is no reason to be secretive so here it is.

I was having some issues with my left breast so I had gone in and they wanted me to have a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound. I was also suppose to have a galactagram done but was unable to at the time so I have to wait to see if it happens again to have it. So I had the mammogram and ultrasound done and the doc said all was well however on my right breast (the one I was having ZERO issues with) showed something and she wanted another mammogram done on it. So we did another two shots with a glass cup pressed on me this time. The nurse came back after and said that there are some spots and the doc said for me to come back in six months to make sure they are still stable. So then I get the paper in the mail that states that "we have found (we believe)benign spots and recommend another mammogram in six months". Hmmmm....... You believe they are benign but you have no actual way of telling and I'm suppose to just wait six months before finding out? What if it isn't benign and I wait the six months and things get worse? What then? Oh and I'm still having horrible pain in my left breast that no one is concerned with because nothing was found on that side.

So yeah that's what I've been dealing with.

I'm Here

Any time you need me,  just call me. Let me know what I can do to help you during this time. I am always here for you no matter what.

Me: I need you now
You: Oh sorry I'm busy.

Thank you. I appreciate it. I won't be trying again later.

Never Stop Dancing

You went to dance in Heaven today. I want to say so many things but there are no words to explain how we are feeling without you. You were the strongest most amazing woman I have ever known. You were my friend, my sister, my sugar plum snuggle wuggles. You were our sweet sweet Foxy Lady. We love you so much. We will see you again beautiful cat-eyed girl.

Imposter

I'm a liar. I'm a fake, a fraud. I'm not anything like how I say I am or how I pretend to be. I am not a strong person. I was not built to be the rock. I crumble under the pressure. I fall apart when it comes time to care for me. I have nothing left for myself. I have a promise to keep and I will not fail, but in the end I may not be here anymore. The me that makes me, me, may just possibly be too far gone by then. God please give me the strength and courage, please give me the right words to say and the comfort of your embrace through my touch. Amen.

Tuna on Toast

1 hard boiled egg - chopped
pickle - chopped
1/3 cup mayonnaise
1 1/2 tsp mustard
ground black pepper to taste
1/4 tsp dried dill
1/2 cup carrot - I put in the food processor
1 can (12oz) tuna(in water), drained & flaked.
sharp cheddar shredded

In a bowl stir together the mayonnaise, mustard, dill and pepper. After it is mixed well add the carrot and tuna. Refrigerate for at least an hour and then mix in the egg and pickle. Serve on toast with a small amount of shredded sharp cheddar. So Good!!! 

Counting down the days....

Two more days until I go have my tests done. I'm nervous but ready to get it over with. I'm scared because as much as I DO NOT want it to be something, I want it to be something that they can fix. I don't want to go in and they say oh its nothing and I be left with pain. So I want the middle. I want them to say well its this but its a super easy fix no big deal. I just want answers and to be able to relax. Keep those prayers coming please.

My BFF Coco took this. I LOVE it. She is Amazing!!

Lunch Date

I've been dealing with a lot of stress regarding my health lately. I don't want to elaborate on anything until I know something so if you could just keep me in your prayers, I would really appreciate it! I should have some answers in a couple of weeks. My bestie took me out for a distressing lunch date last week. It was very yummy. She got the veggie fajitas and I got a chicken chili relleno. Delicious! She always knows the way to my heart is through food.....of course that just means she is contributing to clogging my arteries and expanding my waistline so I'm not sure how much that says about our relationship...er...friendship. We are at that awkward stage of the relationship, you know the one where she likes me, I like her, shes married, I'm married. Oh and neither one of us bat for the other team or would it be the same team? So in other words we are just really good friends. :) Our husbands are best friends too but not as good or close of friends as us....or at least I hope.  That would be too strange.
Blast from the past!

Happy Birthday Dr. Seuss

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Dr. Seuss, Happy Birthday to you!! We are watching the Cat in the Hat like we've been doing for the last couple of days. Yesterday we went to Merritts Bakery and got a free cupcake to celebrate. It's not too late for you to go celebrate with your little one. They are having the celebration go through today so hurry on over there and tell them your favorite Cat in the Hat book and get a cupcake! They are delicious!

Dramatic......ME????.....Nah

The besties son had to have a sedated MRI last week. I went to support and entertain her. We won't find the results out until next week so until then we will just continue to pray that they have found some answers and that it is not of a serious nature. For now I leave you with my theatrics. ::SMILE::

Pesto Chicken Stuffed Shells

Pesto Chicken Stuffed Shells

12-16 jumbo pasta shells
water for boiling pasta
4oz cream cheese, softened
1 cup freshly grated Parmesan or Asiago cheese + 1/4 cup for topping
3 tablespoons prepared pesto (homemade or store bought)
2 cups shredded cooked chicken
2 cloves garlic, minced
salt and pepper to tasteIn a large pot over high heat, boil water and prepare pasta shells as directed on package. Cook pasta shells only until al dente. The pasta will finish cooking when the dish is baked. Drain the pasta shells and set aside.
In a large bowl, combine the rest of the ingredients, except the 1/4 cup of cheese for the topping. Fill the pasta shells with the filling and place in a baking dish.  Sprinkle the remaining 1/4 cup of cheese over filled shells. 
Preheat oven to 350 degrees and bake shells uncovered for 30 minutes or until shells are bubbling hot and cheese melts.


YumYum! I really liked these but for our taste next time I won't put as much pesto as it calls for. I knew not to but did it anyways. I always lower the amount of seasonings when I cook because of my picky eaters. 

Yummy In My Tummy

Cheddar & Cracker Chicken

16 butter crackers, crushed (Ritz -about 3/4 cup)
6oz sharp cheddar, grated (I didn't use quite this much)
1 clove garlic, finely chopped
1-2 stalks scallions, thinly sliced (I leave them out)
salt and pepper
4 6-oz boneless, skinless chicken breasts
4 Tbsp unsalted butter, melted

Heat oven to 350'.

In a bowl, combine the crackers, cheese, garlic, scallions and 1/4 tsp each salt and pepper.
Pound the chicken to about 1/4 - 1/2 inch thickness with a meat mallet. I just buy the thin sliced chicken. Dip the pounded chicken in the butter, then in the cracker mixture, pressing gently to help it adhere, and place on a foil-lined baking sheet.
Sprinkle any remaining cracker mixture on the chicken and drizzle with any remaining butter. Bake until the chicken is golden brown and cooked through, 20-25 minutes.