My lost story

Well here I am. Lost in my head once again. It dawned on me lately that I don't tell 'my story' anymore. It's in my head, on the tip of my tongue but it never makes it out. It's trapped inside of me. I don't mind if people know but when once I was as open as a book I now just can't seem to share myself with people. And of course as I am typing this I start thinking and the pieces fall together. I've lost connections. I'm not as close to people anymore. I've reached out and it just hasn't been reciprocated, which is fine but friendship is a two way street and I've been on a lot of one ways in the past. I just don't care for the fakeness anymore. It's too complicated. It's too childish. We are only getting older and I don't need the drama in my life. I want simplicity. I want truth. I want real. I'm not going to fight for friendships if they don't feel my friendship is worth fighting for. So why open up to people and share my story when they aren't going to be lasting relationships. I know that in doing this I may be cutting myself short of long last great friendships but I think if someone truly wants to be in your life then they will be. Right now I'm just more focused on myself and my family. I'm learning to rewrite 'my story'. It doesn't have to be a sad ending, it can be a happy story filled with love, laughter and family.

Where have you been?

Man its been a long time. I disappeared for a while but I'm back now. Life has taken its toll and I've gotten mad and angry and lost but I'm slowly starting to find my smile again. I started to feel exposed and my grief from the infertility was overwhelming so I had to stop writing. Things haven't changed. We are still trying for another child with no such luck but I've learned to accept it and while I do still have hope that it will one day happen it is no longer my primary focus. I still have my days but they are far and few in between.
I'm hoping that by writing again I can continue to get back to me. I miss blogging. I miss writing. I've recently started drawing again and trying my hand at watercolor. Its a good thing to keep me busy. 

I haven't seen you in so long. I wish for you to come visit me in my dreams tonight.

I've been extremely busy since I started working. It took awhile to get things into a routine around here but things are starting to fall into place. The kid just finished up with his first season of baseball - we are sad to see it end but very excited for the future baseball seasons to come. I started a new shift at work so now I will be off in the late afternoons/early evenings so that means more family time which we def need. We've contemplated getting rid of cable and the Internet ::GULP::!!! I'm not sure how well I would handle it but with that said maybe that's a good reason to get rid of it, at least for a little bit. I love how socially connected we all are nowadays but I also want to get back to the basics. We are trying to do things outside the house more. We've been going fishing some and then spending time outside each night. Its been really nice. We have plans for the summer to keep us out of the house more! Fun!!

I know I haven't been writing much AT ALL. I hope to get back into it, I miss it. I've just been so busy with work and baseball that by the time I get home I'm ready for dinner and bed.

No respect.

I wish you could see what you are doing to them. What you are doing to all of us. Can you not see it? Or maybe you do and you choose to ignore it. Maybe you just dont care, I wish I knew what you were thinking.
It's killing them, you know.
I will never forgive you for this.

Never.

At least you

I thought at least you would understand. I thought if no one then at least you had my back. Now even that isn't true. I am alone in this. It is my battle. My fight. My suffering.

I was nervous but decided that I would...

....just go for it. We needed money. I needed a job. I put my big girl britches on and walked in to turn my application in and BAM I got the job. If you are a regular reader than you know that I suffer from really bad anxiety and nervousness. So it was a complete shock to me at how easy going and talkative I was being. I just didn't care. If I got the job then I got it and if I didn't - well who cares I'd never see these people again. I am so glad I got the job. I love the people I work with. I love working. Who ever thought I'd say that!? Ha!  Are there days that are stressful? Of course there are but my days are also filled with chatter and laughter and a bunch of kiddos that love to offer up hugs and cuddles. I'm proud of myself that I did what needed to be done to help my family. The only thing that I need to work on now is getting a routine down for keeping up with the house between work and baseball.

*This post was written as part of Bloggy Moms: The Blog Dare. Todays writing prompt is - I was nervous but decided that I would....  If you'd like to participate feel free to link up with your own post at the link posted above.*

When the truth finally came out...

There was heartache and sadness. There was anger. There were words that were spoken that can never be taken back. Things will never be the way they were because of the things you felt, the things you said, the hurt you caused.

Words that left scars on my heart for always.

*This post was written as part of Bloggy Moms: The Blog Dare. Todays writing prompt was - When the truth finally came out...  If you'd like to participate feel free to link up with your own post at the link posted above.*

There were so many....

There were so many...

Words.

So many words that I could of said. That I wish I would of said. That I still say in my head from time to time. Words that are lingering on the tip of my tongue just waiting for the moment they can be released. I have wished them away, I've tried swallowing them but yet they remain. It's a battle I'm still fighting within myself and you have no idea. I'm not sure you would even care if I told you. I wait for time to pass and the words to dissolve. I've decided that I'm okay with whatever happens between us, good or bad - it is what it is and I'm okay with it.

*This post was written as part of Bloggy Moms: The Blog Dare. Todays writing prompt was - There were so many.... If you'd like to participate feel free to link up with your own post at the link posted above.*

365 days

Its been three hundred and sixty five days since you took your last breath.
That's 31,536,000 seconds.  Its been 525,600 minutes since you left.
Eight thousand seven hundred and sixty long hours.
52 weeks.

Its been one year since you left us, and not a single day goes by that you are not thought of. You will forever live on in my heart and my memories. I look forward to the day that I get to see you again and hug you in Heaven. My beautiful sweet foxy, you are missed. You are loved.

Caged

I've been working a lot and when I'm not working I'm usually sleeping or cleaning house. My emotions have been staying in tact for the most part but I have had a couple of incidents, one taking place yesterday. I've been feeling too raw and exposed to write lately. I feel like I'm a circus freak and everything is just out there for the world to see and everyone is looking at me and judging me. Laughing at me and taunting me. I wish people could understand things better and not take things so personally. Maybe its me that takes it personally. Maybe I make it more than what it should be. More than what it is. After all it is my problem, not theirs. Just because I seem fine doesn't mean I am fine. Its a day by day, minute by minute situation. I don't want to be the victim, I don't want to be the Debbie downer but I can't always control how I'm feeling and with that comes my moments of anger and frustration, sadness and heartache. Tears and frowns. I can put a smile on my face but I don't always feel it and if you look closely you'll see the sadness in my eyes. Tomorrow will be a better day....I hope.

Someday's Gonna Come by Jasmine Ash
I heard this song last night on MTV when I was watching Washington Heights(love this show btw!). I couldn't find a video to share but there is one here. You can also go and download a free copy of the song here.

-Review- Unglued Devotional

UNGLUED Devotional

60 DAYS OF IMPERFECT PROGRESS

By: Lysa TerKeurst

 

 

I don't think I have ever read a book before where it felt like the author was speaking directly to me or that they were so in tune with my own thoughts and feelings. This devotional felt more like a guide to me. Every daily devotion taught me a lesson that I needed/wanted to learn. Now that I've finished the book I've been keeping it in my car and when I'm waiting in the school pick up line its a good time for me to grab it and reread a lesson or two. Its been so helpful for me in times of frustration and uncertainty. I feel refreshed and at peace after reading through a chapter that speaks to me. I don't just go chapter by chapter but sometimes just thumb through until I find what I need to hear. Each daily chapter starts with scripture and the Thought for the Day. Then it goes into the quick reading lesson. My favorite part is at the end, each lesson ends with a prayer. Sometimes I still feel like I'm not sure if I'm saying the right things or if I'm doing this prayer thing right, so this has been a guide for me in the prayer department. I love finding books like this that aren't just a one time read, it is a daily guide for me that I will continue to read over and over.

Book Description:
This companion devotional to the bestselling book Unglued provides encouragement to help readers handle emotional struggles. Including a daily opening Scripture, Thought for the Day, devotion, and closing prayer, this book helps readers begin a 60-day journey in learning to positively process raw emotions, such as fear, anger, and regret.

I received this book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review. No other compensation was provided.

Recovering

I should be writing about how I'm recovering from my first couple of weeks at work instead I'm referring to the horrible stomach virus that I've been fighting for a week now. I'm hoping I have seen the last of it but I won't know for sure until tomorrow. Prayers please. I ended up missing several days of work because of it, not a good thing when its only your second week. I went to the doctor so I had a note plus all the kiddos also had it so its obvious I wasn't faking it but still it was only my second week there. I really really like working at the daycare. I worried at first it may be a bit much for me with the whole infertility thing but its not. I LOVE it! The people are great, the kids are adorable(sometimes Ha!) and I just really enjoy having something to look forward to. Its not easy work by any means. You are on your feet the entire time and you are constantly doing something, its hard on my back but nothing that a little ibuprofen can't take care of. The kid gets to go with me so I don't have to pay for daycare and while I'm not working with him I can still check in on him and if he needs me I'm there. I have prayed about this a lot and have had many of conversations with God and I strongly feel that this is where I'm meant to be. I can see myself here long term. I see the future and where I want to be in my life and I see this place being a part of that. It may sound silly to some but I really honestly feel that. I think a lot of things will be changing because of this new adventure I'm on. Its the first of many stepping stones to a happier me. Have you ever came across something where you could see where it fit into your life? Like you could see how it would change and shape the future? How by making this one choice all the other things would fall into place. I can see that. I can picture it and it looks amazing! I'm really excited about this and I hope everyone can be happy for me. I know things are changing and I'm going in a different direction as you now but its a good change for me and I hope you can see that and want that for me.

Change

Lately I've been getting up at the crack of dawn. Its probably been a little later than that but it makes me appear to be super wife getting up so early to make breakfast for my man. I am a easy riser. I can get up at any time and not have to lay in bed hiding under the blankets first. I'm not so quick to go straight into being a domestic wife though. I've been having to get up and go right to the kitchen and start his breakfast. Its hard for me to function that early so I do not take responsibility for the burnt bacon. It'd be awesome to be the perfect 50s housewife, but that's not me.  I'm tired. I want to crawl back into bed after he leaves but by that time the kid is waking and I wouldn't have enough time to sleep anyways. As much as I complain(its in my nature) I have enjoyed sending him off with a belly full of food and giving the kid a full spread of breakfast to choose from, even though he still thinks he has to eat both at home and at school. It really starts the day off great. It sets the tone. We have finally gotten adjusted to this new start and it may be coming to a halt. Why? Because this stay at home mommy is now a working mom! Yep you read it right. I got a job! I'm between happy and sad about it. If it was up to me and all of the cards fell where they were suppose to I would be a stay at home mom forever. However, my kid is off to school and my second baby hasn't arrived yet and we have bills stacking up so I'm doing what needs to be done to help provide for my family. It feels good to know I will be helping. It won't be much but it will be something. It will be making sure we have groceries in the fridge and gas for the cars. The best part, I get to take the kid with me. For FREE! It will be an adjustment for sure but I think its going to be a good one. I'm not sure what the hours will be yet, I will most likely work a combination of mornings and evenings. So I'm going to need to find some homemade frozen breakfast recipes and some quick throw together crockpot meals. I'm excited for what the future holds. I'll be getting out of the house, being more active and bringing home the dough. Life is great.

Have you missed me?

I've missed you.

I've been playing nurse if you were wondering where I've been. Someone needs to put this house in a bubble because these germs are overpowering all the Clorox in the area. I think Pre-K will be the death of us all. Since December one, some, or all of us have been sick every week and weekend. Its crazy ridiculous. Recently my husband was down with strep and pink eye. This man NEVER gets sick. Like EVER. Yet he came down with Pneumonia, strep and pink eye all within the last month and a half. Poor guy! I think we are finally all well but who knows what will happen by the end of the week with the kiddo heading back to school today. Prayers for health would be greatly appreciated!

In the meantime though I've had a handful of products come in to try out so be on the lookout for some reviews and I have some great coupons to giveaway for some free/highly discounted products.

What are some of your #1 tips on keeping the germs at bay? Do you have a good hand lotion recommendation? My hands are so dry they are cracking from all the hand washing and antibacterial gel.

Just Like Jesus -Review-

Just Like Jesus

by Max Lucado

A Heart like His.

He wants you to "think and act like Christ Jesus." Phil. 2:5

Gods plan for you is nothing short of a new heart.

A forgiving, compassionate, listening, God-intoxicated, worship-hungry, focused, honest, pure, hope-filled, rejoicing and enduring heart.

There are twelve chapters in this book and each one focuses on different areas of your heart, teaching you how to be just like Jesus. There is a study guide for each chapter in the back of the book that challenges you to take a deeper look into your own heart and see how things could be. I have highlighted, underlined and made notes all through this book. I highly recommend this book.
My favorite quote from this book is:
From the basin of his grace, he scoops a palm full of mercy and washes away our sin.

Book Description

God loves you just the way you are, but he refuses to leave you there. He wants you to be just like Jesus.

Can you think of a better offer?

Jesus felt no guilt; God wants you to feel no guilt. Jesus had no bad habits; God wants to do away with yours. Jesus had no fears; God wants the same for you. Jesus had no anxiety about death; you needn't either. God's desire, his plan, his ultimate goal is to make you into the image of Christ.

But how does this change occur? And why does the change seem so slow? If God wants me to be just like Jesus, why do I still seem just like me?

In Just Like Jesus, Max Lucado helps you answer these questions. He helps you understand God's wonderful ways of transformation. Would you like to know more? Then read on. And remember: God loves you just way you are, but he refuses to leave you there. He wants you to be just like Jesus.

I received a copy of this book from BookSneeze in exchange for my honest review, whether it be negative or positive. No other compensation was provided.

Emmy Rossums Sentimental Journey -Review-

Are you a music lover like myself? Is there one particular genre that you like more than the others? If you are a regular reader than you know that I love praise and worship music the best. Its just what I am drawn to but I really do love all kinds of music and have a wide collection on my iPod. With that said, I was excited to get the opportunity to review Emmy Rossum's album Sentimental Journey. I enjoyed the album, it isn't something I would normally listen to but her voice is absolutely beautiful and soulful. Plus I have to admit I caught myself dancing around my room while I was listening to it this afternoon. ::Blush::

On Sentimental Journey, the multi-talented actress and singer brings her stellar voice to songs popularized by some of the most beloved artists of the last century. It is a collection of classic covers with each song representing a month of the year.

Sentimental Journey Track Listing:

1. “Sentimental Journey” (Les Brown, Ben Homer, Arthur Green)
2. “The Object Of My Affection” (Pinky Tomlin)
3. “I’m Looking Over A Four Leaf Clover “(Mort Dixon, Harry M. Woods)
4. “These Foolish Things (Remind Me Of You)” (Eric Maschwitz, Jack Strachey)
5. “(I’ll Be With You) In Apple Blossom Time” (Albert Von Tilzer, Neville Fleeson)
6. “Summer Wind” (Heinz Meier, Johnny Mercer)
7. “Many Tears Ago” (Winfield Scott)
8. “All I Do Is Dream Of You” (Nacio Herb Brown, Arthur Freed)
9. “Nobody Knows You When You’re Down And Out” (Jimmy Cox)
10. “Autumn Leaves” (Joseph Kosma, Jacques Prévert)
11. “Things” (Bobby Darin)
12. “Pretty Paper” (Willie Nelson)

 Rossum is also an acclaimed actress who currently stars in the Showtime series Shameless with William H. Macy. She also stars alongside Emma Thompson and Viola Davis in the upcoming feature film Beautiful Creatures, which hits theaters on February 13th.

Emmy will be performing a track from her new album on Access Hollywood Live on January 25th. She will also be appearing as a guest on Conan on January 28th, Chelsea Lately on January 29th, and The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson on February 6th.  

You can pick up your copy of Sentimental Journey on January 29th on Amazon or iTunes.

I participated in this campaign for One2One Network. I received a free copy of the CD to facilitate my review. By posting, I am eligible for incentives. All opinions stated are my own.

ProgressOh!

We all live for those little moments of Oh! when we look and feel our best. The feeling of Oh! when you button up your favorite old jeans ... and they fit! Or the Oh! you get from your friends when you walk into a room confidently sporting a new dress! Those moments of Oh! are some of the best of our lives! When's the last time you had one of those moments? Who's said Oh! lately in your life?

 

And of course there's the Oh! satisfaction when you discover a delicious ally that helps you beat diet boredom - Progresso® soup! With 40 delicious flavors at 100 calories or less per serving, you are sure to find a soup that makes you say Oh!

Oh! wait...there's even more! Since we all know how important it is to look and feel your best (and get the Oh! reaction from yourself and others), Progresso is giving you the chance to win the ultimate ProgressOh! Make-Oh-ver experience in Hollywood*! Three lucky grand prize winners will get to take the ultimate trip full of ProgressOh! experiences - from a head-to-toe makeover to sightseeing in LA! Here's what you could win: Round-trip airfare for you and a guest to Los Angeles, California 4 day/ 3 night hotel accommodations A head-to-toe makeover, including hair, makeup and a blue dress to get you ready for your own ProgressOh! moment in Hollywood Two tickets to this season's live finale of The Biggest Loser $2,000 spending money Here's how to enter: Visit Facebook.com/Progresso Complete an official entry form Share a photo Tell us why you love Progresso soup Tell us why you deserve a ProgressOh! makeover Don't forget to tag your content #ProgressOh! Three grand prize winners will each get the ultimate ProgressOh! Make-Oh-ver from Progresso®! #ProgressOh! Disclosure: The information, products and ProgressOh! gift packs were provided by Progresso through MyBlogSpark.

Delusional?

I saw the two lines, they were just there, now there's only one. Am I crazy? Take another test...wait the right about of time....one line. I guess they tell you to wait 3 to 5 minutes for a reason. For those long 5 minutes though...the next 9 months played out in my head. It's not my time yet but for those few minutes I thought it was.....

Comfort

A hot cup of coffee with a friend. Cuddled up in a warm blanket with a book. A rainy day with the blinds open. Family and friends. I find comfort in all of these things. Sometimes life just gets you down. Sometimes we just don't feel like ourselves. We have to remember to take care and time for ourselves.

What things do you do for you?
Do you remember to take a timeout for yourself?

One thing I have been doing lately that I find comfort in is genealogy research. My husband thinks its the most boring thing ever but I find it relaxing and exciting. I'm finding things out about my family that I had no idea about. Its so interesting .I've found old family pictures of my grandfather, Census reports, marriage licenses and death certificates. There is no telling what else is out there to be discovered.

I challenge you this week to take an hour or two and use that time just for you. Do something you enjoy.  Do something that will help recharge you so you can continue to give your all to your family and friends. So what will you decide to do?

*This post was written as part of Bloggy Moms: The Blog Dare. Todays writing prompt was - I find comfort among. If you'd like to participate feel free to link up with your own post at the link posted above.*